Jake: Oh my God, it's real life Die Hard. I mean, oh, no, crime.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Captain Holt: Diaz, are we still on for the polar bear swim tonight?
Rosa: It's either that or go carolling with my family, so yeah. I'd rather walk into the freezing ocean.

Jake: Charles, did you call this into dispatch?
Charles: Yes, but I can't get in touch with anyone from the Nine-Nine.
Jake: Right. Amy, Rosa and Holt are having the time of their lives thrashing around in the frozen filthy ocean.

Sergeant Jeffords: You think people will believe he threw himself in the garbage?