Charles: See, all Boyle men are blessed with a flat ass, which is perfect for scooching.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Jake: So, pretty crazy how you took out that Latvian mob guy back there.
Charles: I know, I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
Jake: Why the mom?

Sergeant Jeffords: I hate that we lose to those pasty-assed mole people every year.
Captain Holt: Oh, there's no point in mincing your words. They're knaves!
Gina: Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth?
Captain Holt: You bet I do. And tonight, I'm gonna sing with it. We're taking down the MTA.

Charles: Come on, focus, Jake.My boy's happiness is at stake. I mean, read the email Genevieve just sent me. Skip the part about her bra.
Jake: Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded. Oh, here we go: "Nik-Nik is so excited you're getting him Captain Latvia." And then there's a photo of him karate chopping a cat.
Charles: Oh, yeah, that's Captain Latvia's move, the Riga Hammer. You hit a guy here, he goes down instantly.
Jake: Sounds a little far-fetched.
Charles: Okay, well, tell that to Captain Latvia's enemies. Oh, wait, you can't ... because they're unconscious.