Gina: If I die, turn my tweets into a book!

Amy: He left a tiny crack in the blind, so I could read the Captain's lips.
"Sharon and your kids will distract Jake."
They'll be here at 9:30 sharp.
My waffle xylophone on the cheese man."
Captain Holt: What?
Amy: My lip-reading is not flawless.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we wanted Jake to take the crown?
Captain Holt: Sergeant, are you familiar with the Hungarian fencing term, Hossz Gorcs?
Sergeant Jeffords: You must realize my answer is no.

Charles: You really think I'd mark the wrong vent? I've never marked a wrong vent in my life.
Gina: You're very intense about vents.
Charles: Yeah.

Jake: You're not Al.
Woman: You're looking for Al?
Captain Holt: Of course we're looking for Al, you imbecile!

Gina: How is it possible that a spirit such as yourself even knows Charles?

Charles: Well, I have exciting news.
I found the perfect guy to set you up with.
Gina: After zero consideration, I'm happy to say, "hard pass."

Gina: Charles, it's very sweet that you want to set me up with someone, but I do not trust your taste in guys at all.
Charles: I have spectacular taste in men. You would love Nadia.
Gina: His name is Nadia?
Charles: Oh, all of a sudden Nadia's not a cool name? You are impossible.

Captain Holt: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: Captain.
Captain Holt: Midnight nears.
Jake: Yes, it does. Tick tock.
Captain Holt: Tick tock indeed.
Jake: But tick tock for who?
Captain Holt: You know it's "for whom." Don't try to provoke me.

Amy: Remember when you set off the witch? You made Captain Holt flinch, which was weird, since his door was closed. But not weird, since he actually heard it over a bug he planted at your desk.
It was in an old muffin that you never threw in the trash.
Jake: That's why people throw away garbage.
Amy: How are we together?

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey while I'm in there, should I get you a soda?
Captain Holt: I know you're joking, but on the off chance you aren't, no.

Captain Holt: I don't understand what is happening.
Jake: Allow me to explain. Amy and I were ahead of you the whole time.
Amy: No, you weren't part of this. Get back over to the loser side, loser.

Jake: Yeah, man, we always love your costumes. Remember last year, when you came as that person and/or thing?
Charles: Yes, I do remember!

Amy: Sir, Jake really pissed me off, and I want to help you take him down.
Captain Holt: Well, that's an intriguing proposition. You certainly could be useful.
Amy: Thank you.
Captain Holt: To Jake! I got you, Peralta! You're not fooling anyone!
Amy: Why does everyone think that's where a camera would be?
Captain Holt: Because the cleavage cloaks the camera with its curves.
That will be all, spy.
Sorry I said cleavage.

Gina: Okay, I see what's going on here. This isn't a setup this is a setup. And all of this is supposed to distract me from the heist.
Nadia: The heist?
Gina: The heist? You shut your hot lips.

Sergeant Jeffords: Is this meeting about something?
Jake: It's about everything.

Captain Holt: With the first pick of the draft, I choose Terry.
Amy: Okay, brawns over brains.
Jake: All right, I take Charles.
Amy: I get it. Close friend.
Captain Holt: I pick Gina.
Amy: Gina?
Jake: I take Rosa.
Amy: What?

Gina: I'm not going to meet my next boyfriend through a Charles set-up. I'm going to meet him in an illegal dance competition in an abandoned subway tunnel.

Gina: Wait so Nadia wasn't just a distraction?
Charles: No, 100% real. Handsome, cool, hair as thick as a collie's. I found you the perfect guy, and you drove him off.

Charles: Come on, our parents are married. Genevieve and I are dating. I want you to have someone too.
You shouldn't have to slow-dance alone after family dinner.

Charles: So, I see you've been assigned to guard the briefcase too.
Gina: Yup, I'm not supposed to let it or you out of my sight, if that even is you.
Charles: Ow, that's my face!
Gina: Oh, sorry I thought it was a cheap, rubber mask.

Sergeant Jeffords: You drank a soda? Not sure that's the worst thing in the world.
Captain Holt: It was the worst thing in the world worse than a fruit-forward Riesling.
No, I'm not exaggerating.

Jake: What's going on? Aha! What are you doing?
Captain Holt: Nothing just enjoying a taste of my favorite beverage, the soda pop.
Jake: Really? I have never seen you enjoy soda pop before.
Captain Holt: Hmm.
Jake: Have some now.
Captain Holt: Ahh, it's delicious.
Jake: I don't buy it. You're making the same face you made when you found a chocolate chip in your trail mix.
Something's up. I'm patting you down.
Damn it, nothing but a surprisingly toned set of abs.

Rosa: It's Holt. Whoa, how did he do that?
Jake: Guy has an insane set of abs.

Jake: We have to get that crown back. I already changed my email to "kingjakerulez" with a z. Everyone's going to think I'm an idiot.

Jake: As you may know, for the past two years, Captain Holt and I have engaged in an epic battle of wits. The goal, to determine who must call the other an amazing detective/genius.
Captain Holt: The first year, by sheer, dumb luck, Jake eked out a feeble victory.
Jake: And last year, I let the captain win, because he's old and sad.
Captain Holt: Sad because the competition was so dismal.

Jake: Attention, squad. Today is the most important day in the history of this precinct.
For today is (excitedly) Halloween...
I thought we were going to say it together.
Captain Holt: I never agreed to that.

Amy: What do you want, Jake?
Jake: What? Why would you assume that I want anything? What I want is to apologize to my girlfriend, who I hurt.
Amy: It's "whom."
Jake: Why does the word "who" even exist if you're not allowed to say it?