Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Brian. What are you up to?
Brian Floomryde: Typing in numbers into a computer. Like I always do endlessly for 40-60 hours a week.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, when you love what you do, you don't work a day in your life. Unless, do you not love sad data entry?

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: Captain. How'd you know we were here?
Captain Holt: I followed you. John Kelly gave you a "Hot Clue," didn't he? How dare you disobey me.
Jake: Come on, sir, it was a good tip and we're trying to catch a serial killer.
Captain Holt: Well then let's see this tip, this groundbreaking tip that threatens to blow the case wide open.
Jake: Okay, I know this tone. Here comes petty Holt.
Captain Holt: Naw, bitch. I'm not being petty.
Jake: You just said, "naw, bitch."

Jake: Look. We can still stop John Kelly. All we need is some hard evidence.
Captain Holt: How? He won't let us anywhere near him or One Police Plaza.
Jake: I know, which is why I've assembled a team of powerful allies in the NYPD.
Captain Holt: No, that's too risky. How do you know they're not loyal to John Kelly?
Jake: Because these people aren't loyal to anybody. I made a suicide squad!

Jake: Worst prank ever. So stupid. Holt's not even going to notice.
Captain Holt: Good morning. You guys the podium, it's... Ha. [chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting] You're crazy! How did you pull this off?