Sergeant Jeffords: You can't have pets in here. This is a police precinct.
Charles: I know, I'm sorry. I got them for Nikolaj's birthday, but it turns out he's allergic and the pet store won't take them back.
Sergeant Jeffords: I've got a friend who works in a lab. I can call and see if they need any guinea pigs for their research.
Charles: They are not science experiments! They are living creatures with rich inner lives.
Sergeant Jeffords: Claire number two is stuck on his back like a bug.
Charles: Oh, I'll handle this. [cage rustling] Flip! Flip! Oh, I flipped the wrong Claire.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Captain Holt: [sighs] I'm off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know, according to French Philosopher Albert Camus, Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.
Captain Holt: Any French philosophy post-Rousseau is essentially a magazine. You rube.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, think of it this way: It's like doing reps at a gym. Doing something over and over again is how you make your pecs pop.
Captain Holt: The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then get those reps in and make that brain pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.
Captain Holt: What you're describing is an aneurism.
Sergeant Jeffords: Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.

Captain Holt: Thank you for seeing me. I just wanted to let you know I was wrong. Until last night, I didn't realize how much Russian I'd learned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it was impressive. And your accent was great, too.
Captain Holt: Thank you, but I actually speak with the accent of a peasant.