Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Dillman
Captain Holt: Don't worry about Dillman. He's the best detective I've ever worked with.
Jake: Or you just keep talking him up because you don't want us to notice how weird it is that you brought in a friend to work the case.
Captain Holt: We're not friends. My only friends are James and Julian.
Jake: Hurtful, but I still think it's strange that you won't let me run the investigation... Unless, of course, there's something you're scared I might find.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Jake: Where were you between 12:20 and 12:55?
Captain Holt: You aren't seriously suggesting that I am the prank man.
Amy: It does seem a little far-fetched, Jake. I mean, he did just use the phrase, "prank man."
Jake: It's not far-fetched at all. Holt is not the joyless robot that he once was.
Captain Holt: Is this about the time I ate a burrito? I was pressured into it.
Quote from the episode Ding Dong
Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]
Quote from the episode Payback
Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.
Quote from the episode Payback
Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.
Quote from Captain Holt
Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Captain Holt: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.
Quote from Jake
Dillman: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Charles: [gasps]
Jake: What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.
Jake: Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape. Everyone's taking my stuff.
Quote from Rosa
Jake: Fair point, but we do shatter a lot of glass around here. Either it's Rosa who's disappointed in her Buzzfeed results...
[flashback to Rosa on a computer:]
Rosa: I am not a Blanche! [throws the mouse through a window]