Dillman: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Charles: [gasps]
Jake: What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.
Jake: Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape. Everyone's taking my stuff.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Captain Holt: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Dillman: If you really watch "Drake's Hollow" every day, you won't mind if I give you a little quiz. You see, I've been known to visit the Hollow myself from time to time not unlike Nicholas Van Bronderberg. Who's the father of Eliana's twins?
Rosa: Christian is Jacob's father, but Joshua was stolen from the hospital. His real father remains unknown.
Dillman: Who did Joshua grow up to marry?
Rosa: First came Sandra, then there was Brigitte, but she turned out to be his sister. Katherine died during childbirth, though it was later revealed that she was murdered by Amanda, Joshua's next wife. They divorced after Amanda was sentenced to the electric chair. But Joshua rebounded quickly with Jasmine. Jasmine was followed by Grace, the love of his life, but she had a contract dispute with the producers so she was killed off camera by a snake.
Dillman: [chuckles] You messed up. You forgot Gwendolyn.
Rosa: No, I didn't. Joshua and Gwendolyn were technically never married because that whole season took place inside Kiki's mind... [whispering] While she was in a coma.
Dillman: Diaz is innocent.

Jake: Fair point, but we do shatter a lot of glass around here. Either it's Rosa who's disappointed in her Buzzfeed results...
[flashback to Rosa on a computer:]
Rosa: I am not a Blanche! [throws the mouse through a window]