Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Doug Judy: [hip-hop beat] ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪ A lot of room for uh's. I like that.
Jake: I thought you would.
Doug Judy: ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪
Jake: ♪ PB and J, a tasty little treat ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it. ♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪ ♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪ It's magnets.
Doug Judy: [laughing] Okay! ♪ Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach ♪
Jake: ♪ Wear 'em on a hike ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪
Both: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪ ♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Rah! ♪
Jake: [laughs] That was crazy. We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.
Doug Judy: I call Ally.
Jake: Aw, I wanted Ally.

Jake: [groans] Parenting is exhausting.
Amy: You're tired because you were up until 5:00 in the morning playing a game on your phone.
Jake: It's not a game. It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator. [chuckling] It's very different. There's no winning.
Amy: Then why do you play?
Jake: To earn pizza points to get better toppings.

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.