Quotes from ‘PB & J’

PB & J

PB & J
Season 8, Episode 5 - Aired August 26, 2021

Jake takes a final ride with Doug Judy (Craig Robinson) after he's arrested and set to go to prison.

Quote from Jake

Jake: [groans] Parenting is exhausting.
Amy: You're tired because you were up until 5:00 in the morning playing a game on your phone.
Jake: It's not a game. It's a realistic pizza parlor simulator. [chuckling] It's very different. There's no winning.
Amy: Then why do you play?
Jake: To earn pizza points to get better toppings.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, there's a call for you.
Jake: Oh, is it a casting agent from Double Dare? I submitted it as a kid. Maybe they're finally calling to put me on the show.
Sergeant Jeffords: You think they'd be calling 30 years later?
Jake: All right, fine. I also submitted to the reboot.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Quote from Charles

Jake: What are you doing?
Charles: What are you doing? Why are you alone with a criminal who's escaped you multiple times?
Jake: Seems like a loaded question.
Charles: Oh, that's not even half my load.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: [hip-hop beat] ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪
Jake: ♪ Uh ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Uh ♪ A lot of room for uh's. I like that.
Jake: I thought you would.
Doug Judy: ♪ Doug and Jake rolling down the street ♪
Jake: ♪ PB and J, a tasty little treat ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Two cool dudes making sandals for your feet ♪
Jake: What?
Doug Judy: I was going for the rhyme, but now I kind of feel like it's a good idea.
Jake: Love it. ♪ Making sandals that last is our ideology ♪ ♪ Made real by our patented, strapless technology ♪ It's magnets.
Doug Judy: [laughing] Okay! ♪ Yo, you can wear 'em on the beach ♪
Jake: ♪ Wear 'em on a hike ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Wear 'em on a Peloton exercise bike ♪
Both: ♪ Doug and Jake, two best friends ♪ ♪ With the premium, open-toed shoes for men! ♪
Doug Judy: ♪ Rah! ♪
Jake: [laughs] That was crazy. We never even rehearsed and just did it perfectly. It was like Jackson Maine and Ally.
Doug Judy: I call Ally.
Jake: Aw, I wanted Ally.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: What is the name of the alter ego I use for fancy crimes?
Jake: Lord Poncy Cumbershire.
Doug Judy: 'Tis correct.
Charles: Point for Jake.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: What is the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me?
Jake: Oh, when you were cut out of that season of Real Housewives where you were dating Ramona.
Doug Judy: I wasn't embarrassed. I was just disappointed at the way it was handled.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What is my favorite Knicks memory?
Doug Judy: When they fired Phil Jackson.
Jake: Mm. Yeah, that was a good day.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What is my least favorite word?
Doug Judy: Buttress.
Jake: It just makes me picture a mattress with a butt.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: What is my least favorite thing?
Jake: Meringue because it looks so much better than it tastes.
Doug Judy: It's a trick food!

Quote from Doug Judy

Charles: Doug's up by one. Jake, you need to answer the final question correctly. Otherwise, he wins. Doug, lay it on him.
Doug Judy: Hmm. [covers ear] Jake Peralta, do I have an earring?
Jake: Um. What?
Doug Judy: You heard me. We've been in the car for three hours. You've known me for seven years. Do I have an earring?
Jake: Oh, no. I'm drawing a blank. I can kind of picture a diamond stud.
Doug Judy: That'd be a good look.
Jake: Or maybe a gold cross or a little hoop.
Doug Judy: I do have versatile ears.
Jake: Now I'm just seeing it pretty clearly with no earring. Ah, this is hard. But I'm gonna go with my gut and say... yes, you do have an earring. [Doug removes his hand] Nothing but lobe? This whole time?
Doug Judy: Since the day we met. [Jake groans]

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: I guess I know you better after all.
Jake: Or do you?
Doug Judy: Wait, why are you smiling?
Jake: Because we played you! If you actually knew me, you would have known that I only agreed to do "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?" In order to stall.
Charles: I was in on it. "Estelle Minderman" is the code word we use for when there's a twist, because when Estelle hosts game night at the Senior Center, she always makes sure one of the games has a sexy twist.
Jake: And when I was writing my answers into my phone, I was secretly texting Captain Holt our vehicle description and location. Backup is already on the way. Wait, why are you smiling now?
Doug Judy: Because I played you. I knew you would text for backup. So I changed your contacts while I was DJ-ing.
[flashback:]
Doug Judy: Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
[present:]
Doug Judy: So when you were texting Captain Holt, you were actually texting Trudy Judy.
[flashback:]
Trudy Judy: "State troopers are on their way. Sincerely, Raymond Holt."
[present:]
Doug Judy: Now my crew knows exactly where we are and exactly what we're driving. Because I know you mo'. Slurp, slurp.

Quote from Rosa

Doug Judy: So what you want to talk about?
Jake: Nothing. We're not talking anymore. [phone ringing] No. No, no, no. No phone call for you.
Doug Judy: She's calling for you.
Jake: Yeah, it was gonna be another fun road trip surprise. But you don't deserve it.
Doug Judy: [answers phone] Sup, Rosa?
Rosa: [sings] ♪ Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy, Judy ♪
Jake: No, no, no, no, there's no singing for him now.
Rosa: But you made me learn such a long song. It has 35 verses and no chorus.
Jake: I know. I'm sorry. But plans have changed.
Rosa: [on the phone] Let me guess. Doug wasn't excited about prison and now he's trying to escape?
Jake: Yes.
Doug Judy: You know it.
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck, Doug.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: So that's how it is? When it's gonna end with me in prison, we can have a good time. But now it's gonna end with me riding off into the sunset a free man, and we're all moody?
Jake: You're not escaping. And if you did, I would lose my badge.
Doug Judy: Maybe it's for the best. You'd make a dope realtor.
Jake: I don't want to be a realtor.
Doug Judy: You're telling me you don't want to sell a penthouse to Zayn Malik and then party with him afterwards?
Jake: I mean... that does sound kind of cool.
Doug Judy: Next thing you know, you're the go-to guy for all of One Direction's property needs. [chuckles] Whoo!
Jake: No! There's too much tension between Zayn and the others. You're selling me a pipe dream.

Quote from Doug Judy

Trooper Peyton: Captain Raymond Holt called in for backup. We're supposed to escort you to the prison.
Jake: Copy that. Thanks.
Trooper Peyton: What are y'all wearing?
Both: Tigers and toucans. Yessir.
Trooper Peyton: Interesting. And why isn't he cuffed?
Doug Judy: Uh, don't worry about it. Peralta knows I wouldn't physically overwhelm him. What's happening here is more of a mental overwhelmsion.
Jake: There's been no overwhelmsion of any kind.
Doug Judy: And yet I just tricked you into thinking "overwhelmsion" is a word.
Jake: [scoffs] No.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Hey, if we're not gonna talk, can we at least play some music? [lively polka music] Oh, I can get with this. Oompah-oompah-oompah-oompah, oompah-oompah-oompah.
Jake: What are you doing?
Doug Judy: Wow. I can't have a diverse musical palate?

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: Look, Doug, I'm sorry it's gotta be like this. If you're mad at me, I get it.
Doug Judy: I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I should never become friends with a cop. I mean, how'd I expect this to end?
Jake: [sighs] Well, regardless, thanks for saving me back there with the Estelle Minderman thing.
Doug Judy: I wasn't gonna let them hurt you, Jake. We're PB and J.
Jake: We're PB and J.
Doug Judy: Yeah.
Jake: I want to hug you, but you're cuffed.
Doug Judy: You can hug me. [they hug] Okay, you can take him. I'll see you soon.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: [answers phone] Hello?
Doug Judy: Hey, Peralta. What's good?
Jake: Hey, Doug, are you okay?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to know, and I've been thinking about it a lot... I didn't mean what I said. I'm glad I met you. Sure, it ended badly, but we had some good times along the way too. We went on a cruise together.
Jake: We flew on Mark Cuban's jet.
Doug Judy: We ate at a restaurant next to Gail from Top Chef.
Jake: Yeah, and then you got so mad at her about Last Chance Kitchen.
Doug Judy: I wasn't mad. I just think it's insane that they make you go online to watch it.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: [on the phone] The point is I wouldn't trade those moments for anything. I'm choosing to focus on the journey. [person speaking non-English language]
Jake: Wait a minute. What language was that?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Maybe Dutch. There's a lot of that in here. You know how active the Dutch mafia is in Jersey.
Jake: Judy.
Doug Judy: Okay, fine. Surprise! I'm in Amsterdam! I escaped from prison. My wife and I are living the life here now. Amsterdam is great. Jake, they got universal healthcare, legalized marijuana, and the workers are treated so much better. But you know what the best part is?
Jake: That you're a free man again.
Doug Judy: No. Stroopwafels. They're, like, these wafer cookies with caramel in between.
Jake: Oh, yeah, I think I've seen those at Trader Joe's.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: [on the phone] Well, look, I guess I'm happy that you're happy.
Doug Judy: Well, I owe it all to you.
Jake: What do you mean?
Doug Judy: I think you know what I mean.
Jake: Nope, no idea.
Doug Judy: Really? Because after we hugged goodbye, I noticed your pen was in my pocket.
Jake: Oh, that's weird. It was?
Doug Judy: Uh-huh, and then I used it to mind freak myself out of my cuffs and then out of jail.
Jake: Well, then I guess it's certainly lucky that it ended up in your pocket. Doug Judy: I wonder how it got there.
Jake: Yeah. Well, I guess we'll never know.
Doug Judy: Well, however it got there, I'm glad it did. I love you, Peralta.
Jake: Love you, too, Judy.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Tigers and toucs.

Quote from Charles

Charles: The name of the game is called, "Who Knows Mo', Friend Or Foe, Are You Fo' Real Or Just Fo' Show?"
Jake: Little wordy.
Charles: Each contestant will answer and ask ten personal questions. Whoever gets the most correct answers will be crowned the better friend.
Doug Judy: Also, there is that whole "going to prison or not" thing.
Charles: America can't relate to the prison stuff; it's too real. It's a game about friendship, and may the better friend win.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Jake, you will ask the first question. Begin!
Jake: What is my middle name?
Doug Judy: You tell people it's Zack, but it's really Jeffrey.
Jake: No, it's Zack, like Zack Morris.
Charles: Point for Doug.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: I get all that, but that's not what this is about. I mean, you could have escaped from anyone, but you chose to set me up. And now my job and my name are all on the line. You used me, Doug. You're a bad friend.
Doug Judy: You're the bad friend.
Jake: I got you a tracksuit. Tigers and toucs.
Doug Judy: Might as well be a jumpsuit. A prison jumpsuit. You're taking me to prison. The fact that you thought I'd go willingly means you don't know me at all.
Jake: Oh, please. I know everything about you.
Doug Judy: You didn't know my catchphrase.
Jake: You have never once said "slurp, slurp" before today.
Doug Judy: That you believe that is so hurtful.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: I'm not trying to escape from you. I'm trying to escape from prison. Let me ask you this. Do you know why I stole that car?
Jake: Because you "love doing crimes." That's me directly quoting your catchphrase.
Doug Judy: First of all, my catchphrase is "slurp, slurp."
Jake: You've never once said that.
Doug Judy: I say it constantly. Second of all, me "loving crime" is classic empty bravado. The truth is I was arrested when I was 22 for something stupid. When I got out, nobody would hire me because I had a criminal record. My dreams of being a landscape architect were out the window.
Jake: That was your dream?
Doug Judy: I wanted to be the Black Edward Scissorhands.
Charles: Oh, that's great.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: How did you find cheeseburger cracker Combos? Weren't they discontinued? Tell me the whole story.
Jake: A bodega in Queens had an old box.
Doug Judy: Wow.
Jake: Yeah.
Doug Judy: Kind of makes me sad, though.
Jake: How come?
Doug Judy: One day, it's out in the world thriving, and then poof, gets pulled off the streets.
Jake: Ah. Well, I mean, it's not like it's gone forever. You know, it'll be back in circulation soon.
Doug Judy: Maybe, but sometimes when a product is taken off the shelves, it never returns.
Jake: It's gonna be okay. I promise I'll visit the Combos every month.
Doug Judy: The Combos will be very grateful for that. They're lucky to have a friend like you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, it's time for sexy-ass surprise number four. Let me ask you this. If you could eat any meal on Earth, what would it be?
Doug Judy: Cheeseburger cracker flavor Combos, Philly cheesesteaks from Pat's, Popeye's biscuits, McDonald's fries, Wendy's nuggets, Sonic tots, fountain Coke, and of course, my mama's sweet potato pie.
Jake: Oh, wow. That's actually a very tall order, which I completely filled.
Doug Judy: What? You smorgasborded it?
Jake: I smorgasborded it!
Doug Judy: [laughs] You know what this calls for?
Jake: What's that?
Doug Judy: Foot slap!
Both: Ooh!

Quote from Jake

Jake: I don't understand. I thought you went straight.
Doug Judy: I did. I got a job. I have a wife. But the other day, I was driving to the new mega Target in South Orange, New Jersey because they have 50% off whole-home mesh wireless systems.
Jake: With a rebate?
Doug Judy: No. Discount taken at register.
Jake: Oh, you gotta hit that.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: They're moving me to South Woods prison tomorrow.
Jake: Tomorrow?
Doug Judy: I know. But you know what really bums me out? I had no warning. I only wish that I had known it was gonna happen so I could've had one last moment of joy before I get taken to jail. But alas...'tis not to be.
Jake: Wait a minute. What if it...'tis to be? What if I drive you to prison? We could have one more adventure!
Doug Judy: Honestly, Jake, I don't see how it's possible to have fun on a trip to prison.
Jake: Yeah, it sucks, but I dunno, maybe for just a few hours, you could focus on the journey and not the destination.
Doug Judy: "Focus on the journey, not the destination." I like that; did you steal it from a car commercial?
Jake: No. It was an Instagram ad for a travel bidet.
Jake: Look, I know it's not perfect, but if you say yes, I promise I will plan some sexy-ass surprises.
Doug Judy: How sexy we talking?
Jake: How sexy you got?

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Mind if I DJ?
Jake: I was counting on it. Bust out those banging bar mitzvah beats, bruv.
Doug Judy: Let's see what you got. Kendrick Lamar, Meek Mill, really a lot of Taylor Swift.
Jake: Pfft, I'm over her. I barely even memorized all the lyrics to "Folklore."
Doug Judy: What's SAS 30?
Jake: I'm glad you asked, mon frère. That track is sexy-ass surprise number three. [Doug Judy laughs excitedly] Okay, so I know this audio engineer who's friends with a guy who's roommates with a guy who gets lunch for a guy who's friends with a guy who knows Drake. And he laid down a beat for us to write a song to!
Doug Judy: Drake laid down a beat for us?
Jake: What? No, no. The friend did. The Drake thing was just to establish his credentials.
Doug Judy: And it worked. That dude's, like, six spots removed from Drake. He's the real deal.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: I'm feeling this print.
Jake: I thought you might. We got tigers and toucans.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucs!
Jake: Ooh. And now, for the pièce de résistance.
Doug Judy: [nasal laugh] Oh, ho, ho, ho! Little French. I like where this is going.
Jake: And voilà.
Doug Judy: "PB" and "&J."
Jake: Pontiac Bandit and Jake. Go together like peanut butter and jelly.
Doug Judy: It's never coming off. Except for in a couple hours when I have to check into prison for five years.
Jake: Buh-bup-bup... journey, not the destination.
Doug Judy: It's never coming off.
Jake: That's the spirit. Let's ride.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Is that a '79 Pontiac Trans Am?
Jake: Sexy-ass surprise number one. We're riding in style.
Doug Judy: I can't believe the Department of Corrections was cool with you taking your friend to prison.
Jake: Well, I can be very persuasive. I got the guy and his family a six-day pass to Pirate's Cove Waterpark.
Doug Judy: So many days in the water. The family's gonna be pruney.
Jake: Yeah, it wasn't a good bribe.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: I don't understand. How did this happen?
Doug Judy: Remember when I switched out your contacts? I also changed the destination in your GPS.
Jake: So we've been driving to the wrong place this whole time? Everything else was just a distraction?
Doug Judy: I wanted you to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Oh.
Doug Judy: Yeah. I got that from you.
Trudy Judy: Dumbass.
Doug Judy: He's not a dumb-ass, Trudy. It was a brilliant plan.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, that hinged on him handing you his phone and not noticing that he was driving directly to us.
Doug Judy: Yeah, but there was also some mental misdirection.
Jake: It was a bit of a chess match; it's true.
Trudy Judy: Yeah, a chess match with a dumb-ass.

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: What's up, Peralta?
Jake: Hey, Trudy Judy and dog Judy. What's going on? Are you puppy sitting for Doug?
Trudy Judy: Well, I was, but I need you to take him for me, because I'm going on a little vacay, and let's just say there's going to be some activities that aren't suitable for a little dog. Mm! Like parasailing.
Amy: Oh. Thought you were building to something much more sexual.
Trudy Judy: Nope, just really pumped for parasailing. Also, there's gonna be a lot of [bleep], but the dog's okay with that. Here.
Amy: Ugh. As much as we would love to take care of this extremely unneutered animal, we can't, because I'm too allergic.
Jake: Wait, why isn't Doug Judy taking care of dog Judy? Is he out of town or something?
Trudy Judy: Oh, no, you didn't hear? Doug got arrested. He's going to prison.
Jake: Wait, what?
Trudy Judy: Doug got arrested. He's going to prison.
Jake: Yeah, no, I heard you. I was just processing.
Trudy Judy: Aw. You want to hug a dog?
Jake: Oh, my God. It's, like, a third of him.

Quote from Doug Judy

Vince Michael Thompson: All right, we gotta move. Judys, you get in the SUV. I'll take care of the cop.
Jake: What do you mean, "take care of him"?
Vince Michael Thompson: Shoot him in the face.
Jake: What? Doug, who are these guys?
Doug Judy: I don't know. Trudy, who are these guys?
Trudy Judy: Well, your old crew split when you went legit, so I put a ad for goons on the internet.
Doug Judy: TaskRabbit?
Trudy Judy: Craigslist.
Doug Judy: Trudy, never contact Craigslist crooks.

Quote from Doug Judy

Vince Michael Thompson: He's a cop. He's seen our faces.
Doug Judy: It's okay. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't even know your names.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Thompson.
Doug Judy: Don't tell him!
Jake: Look, I'm just after Doug, that's it. Yeah, he's gonna forget all about you, guy whose name I can't even remember.
Vince Michael Thompson: It's Vince Michael Thompson.
Doug Judy: What is wrong with you?

Quote from Jake

Vince Michael Thompson: Look, you can let us do what you hired us to do or you can join your buddy in a ditch.
Doug Judy: Fair enough. Enjoy the ditch, Jake.
Jake: "Enjoy the ditch"? Those are your final words to me?
Doug Judy: Hey man, it's not a game, and I'm not Estelle Minderman. Life is about choices, difficult choices that sometimes... now!
Jake: All right, nobody move! Stay where you are!
Trudy Judy: See you later, dumb-ass!

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: And on the way over there, a guy rear-ended me and the cops showed up. Turns out I had a warrant out for my arrest.
Jake: But we wiped your criminal record.
Doug Judy: You wiped my New York record. I stole a car in Trenton five years ago.
Jake: Well, you still should have called me. I could've helped you out.
Doug Judy: It wouldn't have mattered. There's a lot of evidence against me. I left a picture of me at the scene of the crime with a note bragging about how I did it.
Jake: Ah, well, yes, that would make it difficult.
Doug Judy: Impossible.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Sup, Peralta?
Jake: Hey, what's going on? Why didn't you tell me you're in jail? Did you not want me to find out who arrested you? Is there another cop in your life?
Doug Judy: No, none of these pigs mean jack to me. No offense to Evan. You've been great this week.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: I'm calling Charles. [line ringing]
Trudy Judy: [answers phone] What's up, Peralta?
Jake: No! [to himself] All right, Jake, stay calm. This all makes sense. You called for backup. Then Holt said backup was coming. And now they're here. These guys are real. If you can't trust them, you can't trust anyone.
Doug Judy: You're right. That's good logic.
Jake: I can't trust anyone! [tires squealing] Okay. We lost them. I gotta know, were they actually your guys?
Doug Judy: Nope.
Jake: Damn it! I knew it! Whatever. It doesn't matter anyway. We're almost there. We're just taking a different route.
Female Voice: At the next intersection, turn left.
Jake: Wait, this doesn't look right.
Doug Judy: Sure, it does. We just took a different route, like you said. Came in the back way.
Jake: Yeah, but prison should be visible.
Female Voice: You have reached your destination.
Jake: Uh-oh.
Trudy Judy: [chuckles] Slurp, slurp, Peralta.
Doug Judy: Slurp, slurp. [slurps]

Quote from Doug Judy

Female Voice: [on phone] Rerouting.
Jake: Rerouting?
Doug Judy: It's probably nothing. I'm sure we're going down a side road away from the prison for a good reason.
Jake: [over radio] Hey, this is Peralta. Why'd you guys just turn? Where are you going?
Trooper Peyton: [radio] This is the way to the prison.
Jake: [groans softly] I'm heading into a trap. Aren't I?
Doug Judy: Hard to say.
Jake: But if those are your guys, what are they waiting for?
Doug Judy: Don't know.
Jake: But if they're not your guys, where are we going?
Doug Judy: Unclear.

Quote from Doug Judy

Jake: I'm not sure what you're so happy about. I have backup now.
Doug Judy: I'm choosing to focus on the journey, not the destination.
Jake: Suit yourself. Wait a minute. [music stops] This isn't part of your plan. Is it? Are the state troopers actually your guys?
Doug Judy: Sounds like something I would do.
Jake: I mean, how would you even have contacted them? Unless somebody messed with Holt's phone.
Doug Judy: Classic Doug.
Jake: No, it's crazy. You're just bluffing.
Doug Judy: Also classic Doug.

Quote from Doug Judy

Doug Judy: Well, let's hit the road.
Jake: Up-bup-bup. Before we do that. There's another surprise, but I'm gonna need your hands free for this one.
Doug Judy: Wait, you got a pen? I'll show you a little trick I learned from a magician who, for legal purposes, shall remain nameless, but is unquestionably a mind freak.
Jake: [whispers] Criss Angel.
Doug Judy: I can neither confirm nor deny... bam! Your cuffs and your pen, sir.
Jake: That was incredibly fast. Consider my mind freaked. On that note, it is time for sexy-ass surprise number two. A classic Jake and Judy outfit change!
Both: ♪ Ah! ♪

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: What the hell is this?
Jake: This is the front of a Galaxie welded to the back of a Datsun with half its windows and no trunk. It's all I could afford.
Charles: You really think you're gonna make it to the prison in that?
Jake: Well, we only have 38 miles left. So sorry, Judy, but it looks like I have the upper hand now. [opens car]
Doug Judy: Door fell off.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Charles, give me your phone. All right, all right. [line ringing]
Captain Holt: [answers phone] Peralta, what's going on?
Jake: Sir, I need your help. Doug Judy tricked me and now his crew knows our location and they're on their way to help him escape.
Doug Judy: Hey, Captain Holt.
Jake: Doug says hi.
Captain Holt: How many times have I warned you not to trust that man?
Jake: A lot of times. But honestly, you tell me not to do things so often, I kinda just tune it out.

Quote from Jake

Charles: What do we do? We can't outrun Doug's men. The Boyle bus tops out at 50.
Jake: [shush] I'm calling Holt for help. [line ringing]
Trudy Judy: [answers phone] Go for Trudy.
Jake: Oh, damn it!
Doug Judy: Yeah, I changed all the numbers.
Jake: Come on.

Quote from Doug Judy

Charles: Welcome to the Boyle bus.
Doug Judy: Why we getting in this wack ride?
Jake: Charles refuses to accept what close friends we are. He thinks you're trying to escape and that your crew's on the lookout for the Trans Am, so he insisted we switch into his weird family bus.
Doug Judy: That's ridiculous.
Jake: Isn't it?
Doug Judy: It doesn't matter what vehicle we're in.
Jake: That's what I said.
Doug Judy: I'm gonna escape from you either way.
Jake: Exactly. Wait, what was that?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, well, there's clearly only one way to settle this.
Charles: Ignore him and take him directly to prison.
Jake: A high-stakes trivia contest to decide who's the better friend.
Charles: What?
Jake: If I win, you agree not to try and escape.
Doug Judy: But if I win, you agree to let me go.
Jake: Deal.
Charles: That is a bad idea. I cannot let you take this risk, Jake.
Jake: It'll be just like game night at the Camden Senior Center. You can be Estelle Minderman.
Charles: She's my favorite emcee. Damn it, I'm in! [horns honking]
Jake: Charles!

Submit Quotes