Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, it's our favorite time of year. Cagney and Lacey's annual school candy drive! I took the liberty of duplicating your order from last year. Simply sign at the X, and I'll get it placed for you.
Scully: Oh, about that, I don't know if I'm gonna buy anything from you this year.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? But we've been in business together since pre-K.
Charles: I know, but there's someone else.
Sergeant Jeffords: Someone else?
Scully: It's not you. It's me. My taste in candy changed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, everyone goes through rough patches, but we can't give up. You owe it to Cagney and Lacey.
Scully: Please don't bring the kids into this.
Sergeant Jeffords: The kids are a part of it whether you like it or not. Who are you buying from? Tell me, now!
Charles: The other man is me. Nikolaj is selling candy this year, too.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're cheating on me with Boyle?

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Charles: Really never seen Speed, sir? Keanu Reeves, Sandy Bullock, Jeff Daniels at the height of his sexual powers?

Charles: Uh-oh, I know that strut. Little hip swing, playful butt bounce... Somebody made a collar!
Jake: Not loving you talking about my butt bounce, but, also, hell, yeah, someone collared a big dog!
Charles: Woof, woof!

Rosa: So you lost a Speed That sucks. At least you didn't have a Sister Act taken from you.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Bracco confessed. The undercover operation is over.
Rosa: But I just got a spot in the choir.
[present:]
Jake: Wait, is that the real reason you left the force?
Rosa: It didn't help.