Amy: Jake, I'm serious. I don't know if I can do this job and still be an equal parent. I mean, who's gonna pick up Mac on the odd days? And who's gonna bathe him on the even days? And who's gonna do the cooking? And who's gonna figure out...
Jake: Ames, we'll figure all that stuff out.
Amy: How can you be so sure?
Jake: I just know.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Amy: So... what do you think about this new job?
Jake: I think you gotta take it. I mean, first of all, it's a huge promotion, so cha-ching, but more importantly, it's the culmination of all your hard work and a chance to make a real impact. And also, cha-ching.
Amy: What's with all the cha-chings? Oh, no. You bought something dumb.
Jake: No, I invested in something dumb. It's an NFT of Michelangelo from the Ninja Turtles eating pizza. But not to worry, because it is currently worth... Oh, no, what happened to TurtleBucks?

Rosa: What am I doing?
Jake: You, Charles, and Scully will be here, distracting Kevin and making sure he doesn't know Holt's working.
Captain Holt: And who will be on Cheddar duty?
Rosa: I mean, can't we just distract him with a bone?
Captain Holt: Bone? Bone?
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: [yelling] Bone? Cheddar's not some street rat.

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.