Jake: Sorry, dude, but this new guy's just gonna be another washed up pencil pusher who's only concerned with following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep. Morp. Zeep. Robot Captain engage.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Jake: You did it, Fuzzy. You busted 'em. It's time to come home. "I'm not sure if I can. I've been undercover so long, I've forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons."

Jake: Captain, hey! Welcome to the murder.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me. Though you were significantly-
Sergeant Jeffords: Fatter, sir. They called me Terry Titties. Because I had large-
Captain Holt: Titties. Yes, I remember. I never liked that nickname. Though, to be fair, it was accurate.