Sergeant Jeffords: I knew it! You could walk the whole time! I was right about the cat accomplice too, huh? Now where's the cat?
Jake: Been 20 years, Sarge. Cat's probably dead.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm still bringing him in!

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Charles: Oh, hey, can I borrow that? Genevieve's out of town. I need two phones so I can send her a "frontie" and a "backie."
Gina: I don't want your ass in my cloud.

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, now they send me cats to remind me of that day and rub it in my face. I'm gonna go put a ad online so I can find someone to adopt this evil, little turd.