Kurt: Are you the guys passing out the Qwandor petition?
Jake: Yup, that's us. Dragons have dongs.
Kurt: You bet they do. And this isn't about sexism. I mean, it's just that women aren't strong enough to be dragons. Now, handeth me yon "petish".
Jake: Okay. "Petish" handeth yon.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Captain Holt: Diaz, Santiago, settle a little tiff that Kevin and I are having.
Kevin: Let's be honest, Raymond, it's not a tiff, it's a row.
Captain Holt: And now it's a scene.

Rosa: Come on, sir, the math thing isn't the problem. Night shift's keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.
Amy: [chuckles nervously]
Captain Holt: What did you say?
Amy: Don't say it again.
Rosa: I said you two need to bone.
Amy: [whimpers]
Captain Holt: How dare you, Detective Diaz. I am your superior officer! [shouting, five minutes later] Bone! [sternly, ten minutes later] What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business. [shouting, twenty-one minutes later] Bone?! [calmly, forty minutes later] Don't ever speak to me like that again.

Captain Holt: The Full Bullpen!