Jake: Well, well, well. I hear you don't like answering questions, Marco. That's fine by me, 'cause I'm not asking. Ooh, handle fell off. I'll just grab that. Nope. So looks like we're locked in. That's bad news for you, 'cause you're trapped in here with a psycho. Has anyone tried it from the outside?
Sergeant Jeffords: Lock's broken. Gotta call facilities.
Jake: Copy that. No rush. As I said, I got all the time in the wor- It's a little warm in here, right? Do you feel any air coming out of that vent? I got nothing. We got an ETA on facilities?
Charles: At least 45 minutes.
Jake: And they've checked all this paint for lead, right? And the room for asbestos. I feel like I'm sucking on a tailpipe in here, Marcos! Everybody get away from the mirror! Come on! I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Marco: Hey, calm down, man. I'll confess. Just stop freaking out.
Jake: What?
Marco: I did it. I robbed 'em.
Jake: Boom! And that's how it's done. I was faking the whole thing to break him. I coulda stayed in here forever.
Sergeant Jeffords: Good, 'cause facilities is gonna be a couple hours.
Jake: We're gonna die in here!

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: You're annoying my mother.
Jake: Are you blind? We're vibing like crazy.
Captain Holt: I assure you, my mother's not a vibrator.
Jake: Definitely not what that's short for.

Captain Holt: Enough! He robbed my mother.
Jake: No, he didn't. He's her lover. He's your mother's lover. He's lovering your mother.

Jake: The alarm company said the break-in happened around 7:30. Most people are home at that time. Is there anyone who knew you'd be out?
Laverne Holt: The people who were with me at wine club. Oh my, I just remembered, Carol Spitzheim's house was broken into several months ago, also during wine club.
Captain Holt: Interesting. The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small.
Laverne Holt: I would say infinitesimally.
Jake: Yes, and I would say teenily-weenily. We all know words.