Rosa: And when this is over, I'm going to find you, and I'm going to break those little fingers.
Judge: Ms. Diaz, please stop threatening the stenographer!

Jake: You can just make it out to "Death Wish." That's what everyone calls me 'cause I'm always first through the door.
Amy: You go through doors normally, and everyone calls you "Pineapples."
Jake: My grandma calls me "Pineapples", and I regret telling you that.

Rosa: Why do you care so much about some old reporter?
Jake: Some old reporter? Is the sky just some big blue hat that the world wears?
Rosa: No. And no one has ever thought that.
Jake: My point exactly.

Sergeant Jeffords: We need to soften up your look. My wife and Charles's mom both donated some clothes.
Rosa: Your wife and Boyle's mom are both blind?

Jake: That hurt so bad. Let me know when he's gone so I can slide onto the nice, cool floor.

Amy: Look who's here. How was your night of old school drinking? Hmm? Pretty hungover?
Jake: Shh. Turn off your mouth siren.

Charles: Rosa, I think you're nervous.
Rosa: Of course I'm nervous. What did you think was wrong?
Sergeant Jeffords: We just assumed you were a terrifying human being with a short fuse.
Charles: But if the problem is that you're nervous, that's where Charles Boyle lives, baby.

Captain Holt: You look like a corpse we just pulled out of the river.
Jake: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in his own pool. Big difference.

Charles: You just need to go to your happy place.
Rosa: What's that? Sounds stupid.
Charles: Well, everyone's happy place is different. For me, I just imagine I'm slurping up the world's longest piece of linguine. It just keeps going and going, and every twenty feet of noodle, there's a sauce change.

Jake: I eat coffee grounds!
Amy: Sure you do, pineapples.

Rosa: How much time do we have?
Jake: Scully ate his pot pie thirty minutes ago so we probably got ten minutes left on this nap. Twelve if he's turkey tired.

Jake: Jimmy Brogan wrote "The Squad" about bad-ass New York cops in the seventies. It's the best book I've ever read and I've read fifteen books.
Amy: Fifty books is not a lot. Wait, you said fifteen?

Jake: Oh, wow, your butt's really warm.
Amy: My butt's normal. Your butt's the weird one.
Jake: Don't be mad. It's nice.

Jake: Fun side note, I later lost my virginity to Mrs. Stratton's daughter. It was very fast.
Charles: Nice.

Jake: Sir, that's a brilliant idea.
Captain Holt: It wasn't an idea. It was a scathing indictment of your personal hero.

Jake: Distracted? Me? No, sir. Evil would love that. But I'm not giving evil the satisfaction. Not today.

Jake: Quick question, sir. You know how we've been trading favors back and forth, and it's your turn to give me one?
Captain Holt: None of that is true.
Jake: Yeah, I know.

Jake: I thought I could handle my brown.
Uhh, I know. I'm sorry. It's gross.

Sergeant Jeffords: And always make good eye contact.
Charles: But don't stare at people.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, you gotta blink.
Charles: But don't blink too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or too fast.
Charles: I think the bigger worry is slow blinks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't blink too fast or slow or too much or too little.

Jimmy Brogan: Well maybe you should learn to handle your brown.
Jake: Eww.

Jake: So good! You can barely even tell it's a chicken embryo.

Rosa: I look like Aresenio.
Charles: So it's perfect?

Amy: Woah, why are you here before me? Am I asleep? Is this a dream?

Jake: Oh, my whole body has dry mouth.