Jake: Now, Kelly's stingrays can steal cell phone data from anyone, including us, so I procured special equipment for us to communicate with.
Amy: Extremely old beepers?
Jake: Yeah, they're analog, so the stingrays can't detect them.
Charles: I had one of these in high school, and it was so cool. I used to sit in math class, and you feel that buzz, and it's your dad saying he loves you. The rest of the day, you're just walking on air.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain Holt: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain Holt: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Amy: Oh, wait. Before we decide Scully, what's your basement like?
Scully: Bunch of old Victorian wallpaper that came with the house. I tried to peel it off, but the wall underneath was covered with fingernail scratches.
Amy: Ooh.