Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Jake: I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Rosa: 96.
Jake: 80. 40. 6. Years. Months.
Captain Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Jake: I can't tell if you're being serious.

Diane: Dougie! Oh, my beautiful boy. Well, shouldn't you be at work?
Doug Judy: Never too busy to see my mama.
Diane: Oh.
Doug Judy: Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Jake: Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.
Doug Judy: Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.