Jake: So what's our plan?
Adrian Pimento: Okay. I'm gonna make this guy talk. Okay, all I need is a car battery, jumper cables, and unfettered access to his nips.
Jake: As much as I'd like to see that, I think you might be a little too close to this.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Gina: Now before I tell you my idea, are you allergic to dolphins?

Jake: That was 18 days ago. He's getting saner by the minute. In a month, he'll basically just be Frasier.
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't use Frasier's name in vain.
Jake: Copy that.

Jake: Okay, look, this was maybe a weird way to start the night, but the good news is, we can still make our dinner reservation and no one got hurt.
Hitchcock: Actually, I cut myself real bad.
Jake: Of course you did.