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Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Golden Child

Jake: Sir, you wanted to see me?
Captain Holt: Yes, I have an assignment for you. I'm afraid it's not a pleasant one.
Jake: Oh, my God. Please tell me it's not-
Captain Holt: Yes, it's Hitchcock related.
Jake: Son of a bitch.
Captain Holt: Detective Hitchcock is set to testify in court this afternoon. It's an important case, and I'd rather not get another call from the DA saying he showed up, quote, covered in condiments, unquote.

Quote from Jake in the episode The Golden Child

Jake: Ames, super important question. Which one of these shirts should I wear to dinner with your mom tonight?
Rosa: Those are exactly the same.
Jake: I have a signature look, Rosa.

Quote from Hitchcock in the episode The Golden Child

Jake: So you want me to keep Hitchcock from spilling on himself for the rest of the day? We both know that's impossible.
Captain Holt: I'm counting on you.
Jake: I won't do it.
Captain Holt: There's nobody else I trust.
Jake: What you're asking is insane.
Captain Holt: I'm not asking.
Jake: It's a suicide mission!
Captain Holt: Then prepare for death.
Jake: You've lost your mind!
Captain Holt: This is a direct order, Detective!
Jake: Get in line!
Rosa: Hey. You guys startled Hitchcock. He spilled two full jars of spaghetti sauce on himself.
Hitchcock: Thanks a lot, fellas.

Quote from Charles in the episode The Golden Child

Amy: Put on a T-shirt for all I care. It doesn't matter what you wear.
Charles: Of course it matters. He has to wear the smaller checks. Big checks wash him out. Where are you, Amy?

Quote from Amy in the episode The Golden Child

Amy: It doesn't matter, because the night is already ruined. My stupid mother invited my stupid brother David to join us.
Rosa: I thought you liked your brothers.
Amy: I have seven brothers, Rosa, and I like all of them except David. Perfect David. David graduated at the top of his class at the police academy. David took a bullet for the mayor. David bakes his own bread.

Quote from Jake in the episode The Golden Child

Hitchcock: Ooh, and does this David have a sister?
Jake: Yes. Amy is his sister.
Hitchcock: And what's her deal?
Jake: You were at the wedding, Hitchcock.

Quote from Amy in the episode The Golden Child

Amy: I'm just gonna call and cancel. I really don't want to have dinner with my mom fawning all over the golden boy.
Rosa: I'm sure your mom loves you both equally.
Jake: No, she definitely doesn't.
Amy: My parents arrange the photos of their kids by who makes them the proudest. Number one goes on the mantel above the fireplace, two through four on the piano, and the rest are on the staircase.
Rosa: This is wack. So David's on the mantel?
Amy: Always. Meanwhile, my picture gathers dust on the piano.
Rosa: The piano's not that bad.
Amy: Nobody in the family even plays, Rosa. At least people use the stairs.

Quote from Scully in the episode The Golden Child

Jake: All right, David is perfect, but so are you. Let's just go tonight, and I'll be your hype man. You know how good I am at talking you up. Here, watch. Hey, Scully. Did you know that Amy is super cool?
Scully: No way. Can I get your autograph, ma'am?
Jake: See?
Amy: Fine, we'll go.
Scully: What, too stuck up for your fans? Ya friggin' turd!

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Golden Child

Charles: Hey, Captain, Sarge, I have a case I want to discuss with you.
Captain Holt: You want to talk about work in the break room? That's highly unorthodox, but I suppose we can give it a try.
Charles: Okay, so I have a perp-
Captain Holt: I'm sorry, this is insane. Let's talk in my office.

Quote from Charles in the episode The Golden Child

Charles: I want to send someone into holding, undercover as a perp, to see if they can get him to open up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why don't you do it? You're always going on about your acting abilities and that time you played Annie.
Charles: I'm an adult man, Sarge. I didn't play Annie. I was in "Annie." I played Miss Hannigan.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode The Golden Child

Charles: Unfortunately, Alfonso knows I'm a cop, so I can't be Maxwell Blaze. But Terry might be right for the role.
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, that sounds fun. I love flexing my creative muscles. In addition to flexing my actual muscles.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Golden Child

Captain Holt: Or I could do it.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You hate theater. You always say acting is just professional lying.
Captain Holt: Yes, but this is what the mission calls for, and I'm good at it.
Kevin and I went to a dinner party where we played the French parlor game "charades." I had to act out Elvis Presley. He's dead now, so I portrayed him as such. Everyone understood [snaps fingers] immediately.

Quote from Charles in the episode The Golden Child

Charles: You know, a little competition might bring out the best in both of you.
We'll hold auditions this afternoon. I'll prepare sides. Please wear clothes you can move in.

Quote from Jake in the episode The Golden Child

Amy: Okay, let's get to the table before David gets here. My mother loves an early bird.
Jake: Hey, babe, before we go in, I know I said I was gonna do the whole hype man thing, but-
Amy: I know. I shouldn't compare myself to my brother. We're all on our own journey.
Jake: What? No. Who told you that garbage? I was gonna say, we need a backup plan so you can win this thing. If it starts slipping away, I'll pretend to choke, and then you give me the Heimlich and save my life in front of everyone.
Amy: Aw, thanks for not trying to make me a better person. I love you.
Jake: Love you too.

Quote from the episode The Golden Child

Camila Santiago: Amy, Jake! David and I both arrived an hour early.
David Santiago: We're sharing a French onion.
Amy: Mother.

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