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Quote from the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Gentlemen, may I present to you the Suicide Squad.
The Vulture: Hang on there, genius. You want us, your enemies, to help you bring down Commissioner Kelly?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You guys consider me your enemy? You're some of my best friends.
Jake: We haven't talked to you in, like, three years, C.J.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Wait, yeah. I'm thinking of different guys.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond, that you came to me to ask for help shows how much you've matured. You know what else shows how much you've matured? Your withered face.
Captain Holt: Now I know why you refer to this as a Suicide Squad, Peralta, because I already want to kill myself.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you wait a week? You'll probably die of old age.
Captain Holt: The only way I'm going to die is if you touch me with one of your bony fingers and drag me across the River Styx, you reaper.

Quote from the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Look, John Kelly has to be stopped. He's spying on civilians. It's unconstitutional and it's wrong.
Captain Holt: Please. Do you think any one of these jackals cares about what's right or wrong?
The Vulture: I'll help.
Jake: See, sir? There is good in every person.
The Vulture: But I want it to be known it's for selfish reasons.
Jake: Why would you want that to be known?
The Vulture: 'Cause I've never met C.J. before and I want him to think that I'm cool.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's working. I mean, I love how you're taking over the room. Like that?
The Vulture: Yeah, it's awesome.

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You know, I actually wouldn't mind getting rid of John Kelly either. That guy makes up so many dumb rules. He told me I couldn't eat raw chicken.
Charles: And you think a new commissioner will-
Jake: Yeah, he's already on board, so yes, a new commissioner would let you eat raw chicken for whatever reason.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It's healthier.
Jake: It sure is, Ceej.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Captain Holt: And what do you hope to get out of this, Madeline? Let me guess revenge on Dorothy for killing your sister?

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two-
The Vulture: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain Holt: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
Madeline Wuntch: You would know about roaches, you roach.
Jake: And three! Suicide Squad!

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Amy: Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Captain Holt: Why is Santiago here? We agreed to keep this secret.
Jake: Well, it's hard to keep secrets when you're married to an ace detective.
Amy: He told me as soon as he got home.
Jake: I did. I'm so excited about the Suicide Squad.

Quote from Charles in the episode Suicide Squad

Charles: Oh, I love seeing these glimpses of domestic Peraltiago. Now kiss.
Jake: No.
Charles: You don't do it enough.
Jake: We do it all the time, just not in front of you.
Charles: It's been a year!

Quote from Charles in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Now, Kelly's stingrays can steal cell phone data from anyone, including us, so I procured special equipment for us to communicate with.
Amy: Extremely old beepers?
Jake: Yeah, they're analog, so the stingrays can't detect them.
Charles: I had one of these in high school, and it was so cool. I used to sit in math class, and you feel that buzz, and it's your dad saying he loves you. The rest of the day, you're just walking on air.

Quote from Charles in the episode Suicide Squad

Charles: Did you guys just kiss?
Jake & Amy: Hm?
Charles: Did I miss it?
Captain Holt: Yes. It was very unprofessional.
Charles: Oh, come on!

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Captain Holt: I don't like this. I wouldn't wish working with Madeline Wuntch on my worst enemy, and my worst enemy is Madeline Wuntch, whom I hate.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Look, if you wanna stop Kelly, she's the key to my entire plan. So, either you get over it, or we walk away from this thing right now.
Captain Holt: Ugh, fine. I will learn to trust Madeline Wuntch.
[cut to:]
Captain Holt: I will never trust Madeline Wuntch. She's a venomous snake waiting to strike, and you know what we do to snakes.
Rosa: Chop their heads off. Remove the skin. Turn them into boots.
Captain Holt: Don't be absurd. Who would want Trollskin boots?
Rosa: You just said she was a snake.
Captain Holt: The devil comes in many forms.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode Suicide Squad

Sergeant Jeffords: Count me in. I got nothing else going on.
Rosa: Aren't you supposed to be getting ready to transfer to Staten Island?
Sergeant Jeffords: Eh, that's not real.
Rosa: It was pretty real last week.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's before I decided to pretend it wasn't. I'm in denial.
Rosa: Most people who are in denial don't usually say they're in denial.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's because they're in denial about being in denial. But I'm not in denial. I'm in denial.
Captain Holt: Is Jeffords' brain okay for this mission?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, sir for this and all future Nine-Nine missions, which I'll definitely be a part of.

Quote from the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: So, this apartment will be our base for the duration of the mission. Thank you to The Vulture for procuring it.
The Vulture: Hey, don't thank me. Thank my boy, Billy. He said the place was mine while he's still in prison.
Jake: What?
The Vulture: That's not what it sounds like. His only crime was planning a kickass music festival.
Jake: Are you friends with the Fyre Festival guy?
The Vulture: Best friends. He got a bum rap. You can learn about it when my documentary comes out. It points all the blame where it clearly belongs with the island people.
Jake: Wow, so many levels of terrible there.

Quote from the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: We're gonna kidnap a cop. But not just any cop it needs to be someone so high-ranking that it sends shockwaves through the system, but not important enough that their absence negatively impacts the NYPD in any way.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Who you guys thinking?
Amy: We're clearly all looking at you.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, God. Am I in charge of the meeting? Dismissed. Dismissed.

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