Jake: Gather up, it's Jimmy Jab time!
Sergeant Jeffords: Ooh, are you doing opening ceremonies?
Jake: Yeah, and you might wanna leave before things get too crazy. A little plausible deniability.
Sergeant Jeffords: Actually, I wanna record 'em. Maybe you can teach other precincts how to throw their own versions to boost morale.
Jake: No, I'm not a teacher. I'm a class clown/bad boy with a heart of gold. Whatever.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?