Hitchcock: Peralta, how about we make these games a little more exciting with a wager?
Jake: Ooh, interesting. What'd you have in mind?
Hitchcock: If you win, I'll do your paperwork for a year.
Jake: Go on.
Hitchcock: If I win, I get your new car.
Amy: You're joking, right?
Hitchcock: Why? Because you can't imagine someone bitchin' like me driving a lame family sedan?
Amy: No, because Jake would never bet our car.
Jake: Yeah, I would never do that. But also, it's not lame. It's the color of an alcohol. Everyone's talking about it.
Hitchcock: No, Jake, it's a super lame car. But I don't mind. My ex-step-son kicked me out of the house, and I need a place to crash with air conditioning.

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Captain Holt: So Diaz, I figured out why you wanna win. I hacked your work calendar.
Rosa: Those calendars are public. Everyone on the system has access.
Captain Holt: I hacked it. I'm a hacker.

Charles: Damn it, my pants. Sorry, everyone. Look away, look away.
Jake: Oh, damn.
Amy: Wow, who knew?
Jake: He really is the greatest showman.

Charles: Okay, here we go, everyone. The game begins when the elevator doors ding. Are you ready for the Hellevator?
Hitchcock: Buckle up. The juice is loose! I am, Hitchcock!
Jake: What the [bleep]?