Hitchcock: Also, Anna's family is from the Old Country and kind of conservative, so try not to mention the baby to them.
Jake: Perfect; I'll just do what I always do at weddings: Not talk to anyone I don't know already.
Hitchcock: You're the best, Jake. That's why you're the baby's godfather.
Jake: Wait. I am?

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Captain Holt: [sighs] I'm off to walk my beat again, much like Sisyphus, condemned to push the same boulder up the same hill day in and day out.
Sergeant Jeffords: You know, according to French Philosopher Albert Camus, Sisyphus achieved happiness in that absurd repetition.
Captain Holt: Any French philosophy post-Rousseau is essentially a magazine. You rube.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, think of it this way: It's like doing reps at a gym. Doing something over and over again is how you make your pecs pop.
Captain Holt: The only muscle I care to work out is my brain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then get those reps in and make that brain pop. Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.
Captain Holt: What you're describing is an aneurism.
Sergeant Jeffords: Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.

Captain Holt: Thank you for seeing me. I just wanted to let you know I was wrong. Until last night, I didn't realize how much Russian I'd learned.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, it was impressive. And your accent was great, too.
Captain Holt: Thank you, but I actually speak with the accent of a peasant.