Jake: Pimping out your kids? I hate to say this, but you two are acting like bad dads, and I should know. One time my father forgot to pick me up from school 'cause he was having sex with my best friend's mom.
Charles: Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Jake: Yeah. I was 15. I just walked to the mall and watched "Empire Records" by myself, but the point is, you're both acting ridiculous.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Jake: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Captain Holt: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."
Rosa: [laughs]

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry said he had some news from the office of Commissioner Wuntch.
Captain Holt: [groans] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.