Jake: So hey, listen. I wanted to say great job today and also I'm sorry.
Charles: Sorry for what?
Jake: Well, when I heard you got the task force, my first reaction was just to feel sad for myself instead of happy for you.
Charles: Well, you sure hid it well.
Jake: I really didn't. I stormed into the other room and moped by myself.
Charles: Eh, but you had style.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Jake: The point is a crime has been committed, and someone in this room did it. There are seven suspects all with means and motive. It appears what we have is a classic whodunnit.
Captain Holt: The phrase "whodunnit" is a grammatical abomination. Please use the proper term, a "who has done this."
Jake: I will not.

Dillman: So now I'd like to move on to a real suspect. I wanna see detective Diaz in the box.
Charles: [gasps]
Jake: What... don't gasp for him. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm sorry. It just slipped out.
Rosa: Title of your sex tape.
Jake: Yeah, it's... obviously it's the title of his sex tape. Everyone's taking my stuff.

Jake: Fair point, but we do shatter a lot of glass around here. Either it's Rosa who's disappointed in her Buzzfeed results...
[flashback to Rosa on a computer:]
Rosa: I am not a Blanche! [throws the mouse through a window]