Jake: Wait, so we have a wealthy patriarch who mysteriously died, a missing will, and a black sheep set to inherit everything? Am I the only one who suspects foul play here?
Sergeant Jeffords: He didn't die mysteriously. He was 93.
Jake: He was fit as fiddle, Terr. From all the nutria milk.
Charles: Don't be ridiculous. No Boyle would ever commit murder. Boyles don't even get mad at each other. Except in that rare instance of cousin-on-cousin jealousy.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're just bored from your suspension and desperate to find a case to work.
Jake: No. That's not it. I'm just telling you, something doesn't smell right here.
Sam Boyle: Oh, yeah. That's Pappy's body. Cousin Mel did the embalming in here, and I think she forgot to add something.
Jake: Well... that's a disturbing revelation.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?