Charles: Here it is. The original Boyle family sourdough starter, the mother of the mother dough. It's still good, but the lid on the jar has been stuck for over a hundred years.
Sam Boyle: There's an old family legend that it can only be opened by The One True Boyle.
Lyndon Boyle: I wanted to show my dad that I was not a disgrace to the family. But I couldn't budge it. Maybe he was right.
Jake: Oh, Lyndon. What a tale. But I don't think that's why you came in this barn at all. I think you came in here for this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Is that nutria poison?
Charles: It's rat poison. Nutria are pets. You psychopath.
Jake: Ah. Nitrobenzene. That causes the exact type of ulcers we found in Pappy Boyle's mouth. And look what we have here. A single brown hair, belonging to the murderer. Terry, please send this off to the local police station for a DNA test. Now all we need is one of your hairs, Lyndon.
Lyndon Boyle: I didn't kill my father. Why am I being singled out?
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle so Cousin Lyndon doesn't feel that way?
Charles: Sure, great idea. I'll go first.
Jake: I mean it's more work for the lab, but it's fine with me. Are you okay with that, Lyndon? [Lyndon plucks a hair] Oh, wow. Went with a nose hair. Didn't see that coming. But it's definitely long enough.
Sergeant Jeffords: [chuckles] No.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?