Sergeant Jeffords: That DNA test has to be wrong. I mean, Charles is the most Boyle-y of all the Boyles.
Jake: You know what? I'm gonna call Charles's dad, get to the bottom of this. [on the phone] Hey, Lynn? It's Jake. Hi. Hey, can I ask you about Charles's paternity real quick?
[six hours later:]
Jake: All right. Thanks, Lynn. Bye. [hangs up]
Sergeant Jeffords: What on Earth took so long?
Jake: Well, the first five hours was mostly just sobbing and gasping for air. Then he told me that Charles's mom had an affair with a rival florist. Lynn always suspected he might've been Charles's dad, but he decided he loved him so much, it didn't matter.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't understand. Charles looks just like all the other Boyles.
Jake: Apparently that's not genetic. The Boyles cuddle their children so much, it shapes their bones that way. He likened it to how they grow square watermelons.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Amy: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: I'm helping Holt pick a dating site.
Captain Holt: Oh, this looks good. PhDs only.
Rosa: Uh, actually in this context, PHD stands for Pretty Huge [bleep].
Captain Holt: Oh, my. I can only assume that MDs only stands for Medium [bleep].

Captain Holt: Huh. It's the exact time we agreed to meet for our date, and he's not here.
Amy: I'm sorry. I know how you value punctuality.
Captain Holt: In my employees. But in potential suitors, I don't mind one or two minutes of tardiness. I like a bad boy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom to wash my hands, in case we shake.
Amy: Ooh.

Charles: Anyway, thanks for coming with me to the funeral. I think we're all packed. I just got to go grab the coffin.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, why are you bringing the coffin?
Charles: I brought a coffin to my nana's funeral on a whim, and it was a big hit. So now, guess who's the coffin cousin?