Jake: So, now that we are alone. I have to ask. Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?
Amy: Oh my god, yes. I should have told you immediately. Perp name Hall of Fame, right?
Jake: Oh, yeah. First ballot. It was right up there with Sylvester Stools and Janet Stalkmuncher.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Captain Holt: I was trying to shield you. Do you know how much stress I've been under lately? My husband says he hasn't seen me smile in weeks.
Sergeant Jeffords: How much did you smile before that?
Captain Holt: Constantly.

Charles: Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.

Captain Holt: Resume the drill, Timmy. And do not say or do anything a seven-year-old boy would not say or do. Feel free to consult the script I've prepared.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, but it's a little stilted. "I am feeling trepidation at the prospect of a parent-less existence." No kid talks like that.
Captain Holt: Those lines were lifted verbatim from my childhood diary.