Jake: Amy, you gotta be glad Holt's here, right? I mean, you're basically in love with him.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Sergeant Jeffords: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

Jake: You guys, this is gonna be fine. I mean Terry's our boss and he comes with us every year.
Sergeant Jeffords: Correction, you bring Vacation Terry, and he is no man's boss. When the slippers are filled, Terry is chilled.