Charles: Jacob, have you done any of the catharting exercises I gave you?
Jake: Well, I don't have a bathtub, so the first two pages are out. And it's the middle of winter, so where would I "dance in a fountain"?
Charles: Indoor malls, Jake. Indoor malls.

Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Jake: "Uh-oh, hope it doesn't get too sexual." Title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long. Also the title of your sex tape.

Captain Holt: Gina, you know I appreciate you, but you have to admit we're not exactly cut from the same cloth.
Gina: Apparently not. I am, of course, exotic silk, where you, sir, are snake skin.

Amy: I don't like it. Something stinks.
Hitchcock: Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.