Captain Holt: This took a lot of hard work and a lot of late nights. Take the weekend off, Perlata.
Jake: Thank you. You know, I actually might. I'm severely sleep deprived and I'm way behind on laundry.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Charles: Thing is, it's so hard to talk at work because there's no privacy. The roof is freezing, the holding cell is full of perps, and their romantic advice is not great. It's always to tell Vivian, "bitch, get your life right!" I tried it. She did not like it.

Jake: Well, let's bust out the polygraph.
Charles: Lie detector truth or dare.
Jake: No. Boyle, last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the tea pot from Beauty and the Beast.
Charles: It's the way they drew her.

Captain Holt: Do you want to know how I actually hurt my wrist?
Jake: Yes.
Captain Holt: I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness and for fun.
Jake: Oh, my God.
Captain Holt: I've mastered all the moves. [Shows photos on phone] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie-doodle.
Jake: Why are you telling me this?
Captain Holt: Because no one will ever believe you. [Deletes photos from phone]
Jake: You sick son of a bitch.