Jake: All right, there's only one way out of this for me. I've got to get super cruel. Prepare to have your physical flaws pointed out, Amy. I'm talking about your tall butt and your weird elbows.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Care to sit? I'm sure you'd like to take some weight off your cloven hooves.
Madeline Wuntch: Call me the devil, Raymond? How original.
Captain Holt: Actually, I was calling you a goat. You goat.

Sergeant Jeffords: We got the letter.
Captain Holt: Well done. Now get me Madeline and a bucket of water. It's time to melt a witch.

Rosa: Anyone over the age of six celebrating a birthday should go to hell.