Hitchcock: Oh, if you want calm, there's some ludes in evidence, if anybody would ever let me get them out.

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Gina: What did you do to my cupcake?
Captain Holt: This is yours? Why on Earth is your cupcake on my chair?
Gina: Because it's very special to me, so I can put it wherever I want. This is your fault. Now you have to buy me a new cupcake.
Captain Holt: This is outrageous. You expect me to avoid- Oh, I see.
Gina: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you do. The cupcake was Gertie.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Gina: Your butt was Charles's car.
Captain Holt: Yes.
Gina: The chair was the parking space.
Captain Holt: Yes, I get it.
Gina: Your office was the garage.
Captain Holt: Yes, I'm telling you I understand the lesson.
Gina: And I was the brilliant Gina Linetti in both scenarios.

Captain Holt: You don't owe me anything. It was my fault, and I behaved poorly, as Gina made abundantly clear.
Gina: Oh, speaking of, you still owe me $14 for that cupcake.

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us. So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?