Charles: You're supposed to be my friend.
Jake: I'm an adult man, I can have two close friends. Hell, I can have three close friends.
Charles: You wouldn't.
Jake: I would. Maybe I'll get in touch with my friend James from college. Ooh, or you know who just looked me up online? Brad from camp.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Massage! I'll give you a massage.
Gina: Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach.

Gina: Captain, why are you doing this? You hate people in your space.
Captain Holt: Nonsense. I'm an easygoing chap.
Gina: Okay. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.
Captain Holt: It was off by half a centimeter. It never should've been in circulation.

Gina: "Orange Jake", going once, going twice.
Rosa: I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side-pony.
Gina: Rosa coming in hot! Rosa coming in hot!