Jake: And to do that, we have to think like they do. I'm going in. (Jake sits down in Hitchcock's chair) All right, there's the butt indentation, and [grunts] I'm docked. Ugh. Still warm. All right, residual cushion fart is about a six out of ten.
He's been gone an hour, maybe two.
Sergeant Jeffords: But where?
Jake: Hot dogs. They went for hot dogs.
Sergeant Jeffords: How do you know?
Jake: There's a water stain on the ceiling in the shape of a bun.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Gina: I'm scared of businessmen. A whole army of gray-suited Brads and Chads trying to suck my soul and redeem it for frequent flyer miles.

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, man, we need to know where Hitchcock is. I am ordering you to tell us everything.
Scully: Fine. We're setting up a sting. I'm going undercover as Tex Dallas, billionaire oil man from Dallas, Texas, with ties to the cowboy mafia.
Jake: Oh, boy.
Scully: Hitchcock's my middle man, Reno Vegas, mobster from Reno, Las Vegas.
Jake: I said my "oh, boy" too soon.

Scully: In 20 minutes, he's going in totally alone, unarmed, without a cell phone, to meet with one of their guys to set up a buy. So how do you like our plan now?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's a disaster, man! We got to stop it!
Scully: Disaster? Tell me one thing that's wrong with Operation Beans.
Jake: Operation Beans?!