Jake: Great. That means he'll definitely testify against Figgis, and you know what that means: time for celebration candy bars! Stupid hospital vending machines didn't have alcohol for some weird reason.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Jake: Whoo-hoo-hoo! We did it! What? I'm only human. You can't always expect me to be the coolest guy ever.
Bob Annderson: Coolest guy ever? Try telling that to Alan Greenspan.
Captain Holt: Nice burn, Bob!

Jake: We will be represented by these things I had in my pocket. All I had was lint. Just a pocketful of lint. Everybody remember what your lint looks like.
Bob Annderson: My lint is round. My lint is approximately 1 centimeter in diameter. My lint is blue.
Captain Holt: My lint is oblong. My lint is approximately 1/2 centimeter in length. My lint is also blue.
Jake: Wow, so no pushback on the lint thing? This is great.

Bob Annderson: This whole area is video-monitored by this guard here.
Captain Holt: I can distract him with conversation. What do you know about him?
Bob Annderson: Watches a lot of TV. I heard him mention "Sex and the City."
Captain Holt: Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.
Jake: Ooh. "Sex and the City" is one show. It's not a show called "Sex" and then another show called "The City."
Captain Holt: Okay. Good start. Now I know that.