Quotes from ‘Bureau’

Bureau

Bureau
Season 3, Episode 22 - Aired April 12, 2016

With Pimento's (guest star Jason Mantzoukas) life still in peril, Captain Holt calls on an old friend in the FBI (guest star Dennis Haysbert) to help with a seemingly impossible heist. Meanwhile Amy makes a breakthrough while undercover, and Terry and Gina discover an information leak in the Nine-Nine.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Whoo-hoo-hoo! We did it! What? I'm only human. You can't always expect me to be the coolest guy ever.
Bob Annderson: Coolest guy ever? Try telling that to Alan Greenspan.
Captain Holt: Nice burn, Bob!

Quote from Captain Holt

Guard: Another Sex-and-the-Citiot?
Captain Holt: Guilty as charged. My favorite season has to be the third one. Everything was going right for Carrie. Her face was on every bus, her column was the talk of the town, and she met everyone's favorite furniture maker, Aidan Shaw. Sure, she melted down when he tried to introduce her to his parents, and she flipped out when she bumped into Big getting out of that cab with Natasha, whom he had married. Hmm.
Who can blame her? They barely knew each other. The best episode that year was episode six, entitled "Are We Sluts?" You know the one. Carrie was all in her head because she and Aidan weren't having sex. Meanwhile, across town, Charlotte couldn't stop having sex.
And Samantha? Samantha was just being Samantha. The season finale that year was entitled "Cock-a-Doodle-Do."

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! I was the leak! I got to take that picture down. Gina, I am so sorry I blamed you.
Gina: And I knew you would say something like that, so I went ahead and bought myself a cake on your behalf. Check it out. [Cake reads "Gina, I'm so sorry I blamed you"]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, dang.
Gina: And this has been here for the last half-hour, detective.

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: The briefing was a week ago. Just tell us everyone you talked to since then.
Hitchcock: Well, let's see. On Saturday, I got together with my friends, and we went to the dog track.
Sergeant Jeffords: We need names.
Hitchcock: I lied. There's not multiple friends. It's just Scully.

Quote from Gina

Gina: So there's Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha, but New York City is really the fifth character.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Then we're ready. Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Oh, come on, Captain. This is such a big moment. Say it with more gusto.
Bob Annderson: Indeed. Like this: let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Oh, I see. Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: No. Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI. I feel like I'm doing it.
Bob Annderson: Let's break into the FBI.
Captain Holt: Let's break into the FBI.
Jake: Okay! I think we got it. (with gusto) Now, let's break into the FBI!

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Time for waiting is over. Now is the time for groin-stomping.
Bob Annderson: Damn right, it is! Let's go arrest that punk.
Jake: He says "punk" just like you.
Captain Holt: Where do you think he learned it, punk?

Quote from Captain Holt

Bob Annderson: Why not? I really have embraced my wild side today.
Captain Holt: As have I. Chocolate and nuts. Actually, that's overkill.
Bob Annderson: Indeed.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I called you here to discuss where we are with Operation 225641441636324.
Rosa: What?
Captain Holt: I assigned a numerical value to each letter in the word "pimento," which I then squared.
Jake: Oh, Captain. How dare you try and sneak math into this?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Our priority is still finding Figgis' agent in the FBI. I think it's time for me to call in a favor from an old colleague at the bureau, Bob Anderson. I would've contacted him sooner, but this is a rogue op, and he's a real stickler for the rules.
He once picked up a penny off the street, which he then reported on his taxes.
Jake: Sounds like a barrel of laughs.
Captain Holt: Fortunately, he isn't.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hello, Bob. Good to see you.
Bob Annderson: And you. Apologies. It's inappropriate for me to partake in such informal conversation in front of your detectives.
Captain Holt: It's all right. I am equally to blame.
Jake: Oh, my God. There's two of them!

Quote from Rosa

Bob Annderson: So, Raymond, what evidence do you have that there's a dirty agent in the FBI? Let's see the file.
Captain Holt: We don't have a file.
Bob Annderson: You're working file-less?
Rosa: We saw the guy commit a felony. He tried to have a cop killed. Crazy hot cop.
Jake: Well, he's a specific type.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Look, the guy we're looking for was wearing a ski mask, but he's about 5'10". Caucasian. He's got a big scar on his right hand. We've been calling him ScarJo, like the actress, Scarlett Johansson.
Captain Holt: What? An actress? I didn't know that was where that was from. Bob, I'm so sorry.
Bob Annderson: No, I'll look past it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Bob Annderson: Okay. There's an agent that matches that description. His name is Ryan Whelan. You think you could ID him if you saw him?
Jake: Oh, yeah. I'd recognize that scar from 20 miles away.
Bob Annderson: You must have fantastic vision.
Captain Holt: Or it's a gigantic scar.
Jake: I was clearly exaggerating. Why do you have to ruin everything?

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Did you see this morning's newspaper?
Gina: No. I get all my news from a text message chain with my friends. [gasps] The attorney general might step down! I'm kidding. It's a GIF of a rabbit eating spaghetti.

Captain Holt: What is Peralta doing?
Bob Annderson: He appears to be rifling through "Clown Boobies" magazine.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: We've been watching this guy all day. Can't believe we haven't even arrested him yet. We know he's the guy.
Captain Holt: We have to build a case first. 4:13 p.m. Subject finishes his coffee.
Or tea. Mark the beverage as "unknown."

Jake: Yeah, that's because he's guilty, and we're just sitting here watching him eat a peach.
Captain Holt: That's a nectarine.
Bob Annderson: It's either a nectarine or a peach. Just write "unknown stone fruit."

Quote from Jake

Jake: We will be represented by these things I had in my pocket. All I had was lint. Just a pocketful of lint. Everybody remember what your lint looks like.
Bob Annderson: My lint is round. My lint is approximately 1 centimeter in diameter. My lint is blue.
Captain Holt: My lint is oblong. My lint is approximately 1/2 centimeter in length. My lint is also blue.
Jake: Wow, so no pushback on the lint thing? This is great.

Quote from Captain Holt

Bob Annderson: This whole area is video-monitored by this guard here.
Captain Holt: I can distract him with conversation. What do you know about him?
Bob Annderson: Watches a lot of TV. I heard him mention "Sex and the City."
Captain Holt: Then I will discuss both of those shows with him.
Jake: Ooh. "Sex and the City" is one show. It's not a show called "Sex" and then another show called "The City."
Captain Holt: Okay. Good start. Now I know that.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: How dare you, sir? Do you really think we would leak information on purpose?
Gina: No. We think you're dum-dums and you did it by accident.
Hitchcock: Oh. Well, that's very possible.
Scully: Yeah, I could see that.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Sup, Sarge? Just digging through the garbage like a normal person?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I can disable the security DVRs, but I need some way of getting to a station unnoticed.
Captain Holt: I have an idea on how to smuggle you in, but it'll be a tight fit.
Rosa: I'm flexible. I do a lot of yoga.
Jake: You do yoga?
Rosa: Helps keep me centered. If you ask me about it again, I'll hunt you down and rip your face off.
Jake: Okay. Great. Good plan. I won't ask you about it again.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Why does she want to meet with me? You think our cover's blown?
Amy: I don't know, but, just to be safe, let's review your backstory.
Charles: I went to Yeshiva med school, residency at Mount Sinai, my best friend is Yacob Peralberg, and we share everything with each other.
Amy: Can't imagine that last part coming up, but okay.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Curse this perfect butt.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Is there anyone you could've told the crime stats to?
Hitchcock: Crime stats?
Gina: Wait. Do either of you even know what our arrest numbers were?
Scully: [thinking] Twelve.
Sergeant Jeffords: No!
Scully: Then no.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, they're not the leak.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, man. Use your muscles.
Jake: Use my muscles? Oh, great. Why didn't I think about that? Great advice, Terry.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hmm. What about Steve? He seems nice.
Gina: Oh, Steve is nothing. No one likes Steve.
Captain Holt: [writing down] "Steve is nothing."

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Quite a big package you've got there. Oh, I apologize for the double entendre. I can be such a Samantha.
Guard: Really? You don't seem like a Samantha.
Captain Holt: Well, I'm actually a combination of all four characters.
Both: Five if you count the city of New York.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: If you ask me, they never should've made the movie. Abu Dhabi? Abu don't bother.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I should've known Maura wouldn't be able to control herself. Strong women, they're just drawn to me. You know, they're all right angles, and I'm nothing but curves.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm trying to find out who our leak is.
Gina: What makes you so sure that there's a leak? It might've just been that the reporter was really good at his job, like that hot blond surfer was at TMZ.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! This case just got busted wide open.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: Good news. The doctors say Whelan's not gonna die.
Rosa: Thank God. I just hope he's in a lot of pain.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Great. That means he'll definitely testify against Figgis, and you know what that means: time for celebration candy bars! Stupid hospital vending machines didn't have alcohol for some weird reason.

Quote from Amy

Moira: Why can't I find a good man?
Amy: Could be because you're in prison for murder.
Moira: Nah. That's not it.
Amy: Yeah, that's not it.

Quote from Gina

Gina: What's going on, Sarge? You find that leak yet?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. I'm hiding behind a coffeemaker, spying on everyone in this office, because I found the leak.
Gina: Aww, Terry. Sarcasm is not a good look on you. But you know what would be? A really tight Henley.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Gina: I know who your leak is. What? I looked up the reporter who published the crime numbers, and I noticed you two follow each other online.
Sergeant Jeffords: He followed me, and you know I'm a proud member of team follow-back.

Quote from Gina

Gina: So I went through your feed to see what you were posting. Lot of pictures of your kids. Nobody cares. And then I found this picture you posted last week."Living that #YOGURT life." [laughs] Embarrassing. But what's even more embarrassing, Terry, is that the arrest numbers are in the photo, clear as day.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Yeah, I already know who it is, because I just caught him: Special Agent Ryan Whelan. Also, I did one full pull-up. I'm gonna be so buff when you get back.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta. Update us on Santiago's undercover prison operation.
Jake: Yeah, she has made contact with Jimmy Figgis' sister, but it's slow going. I hope she comes back soon.
Sergeant Jeffords: Aww. You miss her?
Jake: No, I lost the key to her apartment, and I'm taking care of her fish. They're all dead already, aren't they?
Rosa: Yeah.
Jake: Damn it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: We're going to be here a while. Would you like to talk?
Bob Annderson: I'd rather not.
Captain Holt: Agreed.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, man. A secret FBI meet up? I love this! Look at all those idiots. They have no idea what's about to go down.
Captain Holt: You mean that woman and her baby?
Jake: Yep. Idiots.

Quote from Charles

Amy: Dr. Schwartz, I'm here for my appointment.
Charles: Hello, Cortez. Shabbat Shalom.
Amy: "Shabbat Shalom"?
Charles: I don't know. Jake made me Jewish.

Quote from Charles

Charles: So guess what. Genevieve just texted. We're gonna hear about our adoption any minute.
Amy: I thought you were doing fertility treatments.
Charles: We are, but it's not going well. The doctor said my sterility is so aggressive, it may have spread to her.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I presented those numbers in a morning briefing, but I can't imagine anyone would be stupid enough to leak 'em.
Gina: Really, Terrence? Look how dumb they are. [Scully is eating a flattened slice of pizza, covered in ink] Ugh!
Scully: Printer's fixed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, dang.

Quote from Amy

Moira: Hey, Cortez! What's going on with you and that doctor? You seem real tight with him.
Amy: No, we're not tight. I barely know him.
Moria: So why were you hugging him?
Amy: My last appeal got denied, so he was comforting me. He's a sensitive guy. Maybe because of his Jewish faith.

Quote from Jake

Jake: If I go into this bathroom, I could climb through this vent, drop down into the archive room, and steal the file.
Rosa: How are you gonna get out?
Jake: Pull myself back up the way I came in. What? I can do a pull-up. Terry will teach me.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Well, Isabel, your baby's head is the perfect size.
Amy: Oh, thank you, doctor.
Charles: Still gonna hurt when it comes out. Get ready for that.

Quote from Charles

Moira: So you're Dr. Schwartz.
Charles: That's me. L'chaim. How can I help you?
Moira: I've been watching you ever since you showed up here. You don't seem like the other doctors that we've had.
Charles: It's funny my best friend, Yacob, is always saying that.

Quote from Scully

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. What about you, Scully?
Scully: Well, I went to the Knicks game with a buddy.
Gina: Was this "buddy" named Hitchcock?
Scully: Yes, and we weren't at the game. We were at the dog track.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: (After Jake completes a pull-up) Good job. Can you do it without screaming?
Jake: Pro-bab-ly.

Quote from Amy

Amy: This actually could be great, Boyle. You could romance her into talking, but you shouldn't do anything that you're not comfortable with.
Charles: Oh, no. No, I won't have to. It's not gonna get physical. You see, the art of seduction is all about making people wait.
Amy: Right.
Charles: Genevieve and I often begin our lovemaking sessions-
Amy: Oh. Okay.
Charles: With hours upon hours of delicateness-
Amy: Okay. Please stop.
Charles: That kind of blow-
Amy: Guard!

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: Oh. What are you guys celebrating?
Scully: Terry was mad at us, but we didn't know what he was talking about, and he went away.
Hitchcock: Huge day.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Anyway, Ms. Cortez, your vagina looks great. Mazel.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: There's an article about the Nine-Nine's monthly crime rate. Those numbers aren't supposed to be public until next week.
Gina: Terry, you're gonna have to be more interesting if you want to get an "oh, dang."
Sergeant Jeffords: There's a leak in the Nine-Nine!
Gina: Oh, dang.

Quote from Jake

Vendor: Sir, if you're interested, the new issue of "Clown Boobies" just came in.
I can unpack the box for you.
Jake: What? Oh. Haha. Actually, no. I need last month's. There's a particular clown booby that I'm looking for.

Quote from Amy

Moira: I want to talk to him. Alone.
Amy: Oh. About something medical? Or-
Moira: What did I tell you about asking too many questions?
Amy: Right. That's that thing you killed a bunch of bitches for. [quietly] Ah. Got it. Sorry.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Maybe you leaked it.
Gina: Excuse me?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not saying you did it on purpose. Maybe you left the file on the subway. I mean, you don't take your job very seriously.
Gina: Whoa. We're about to have our first fight as a couple, Terrence. First of all, I take my job very seriously. That's why I'm here right now, helping you, and I'm the only one doing it. Or, I was, until you insulted me. Now watch me walk away. I said watch me!

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