Jake: Some of you have asked me what got me through prison. Was it my family? Don't be stupid. Was it knowing that my friends would eventually get me out? Of course not, I never believed in any of you. No, the only thing that kept me sane was planning for the Halloween heist those many years doing hard time.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.
Amy: No, no, it's okay. Go on.
Jake: I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.
Amy: I like the second one.
Jake: You don't have to.
Amy: Okay.
Jake: Yeah. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt.
Amy: I love yours too.
Jake: Gross. Amy Santiago will you marry me?
Amy: Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

Jake: Halloween. Mua-ha-ha-ha. It's heist time. Argh!
Amy: Thought you could get a head start on heist prep? Good luck. I'm already dressed.
Jake: Well, I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast. Wait, where are my eggs?
Captain Holt: In my belly. [BOTH SCREAM] Now get a move on, it's heist time.
Jake: I love Halloween!

Jake: [flashback] Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me, but since it's 2017, I am not asking you for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she be mine, if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong independent woman, and she don't need no man. That being said, I truly hope she says yes. But it's her decision, so just back off!
Amy: Aww, that was perfect. What did he say?
Jake: I have no idea, I left a voicemail. I'm terrified of him.