DC Parlov: This is my room, right over here. Listen, I need just a moment to clean up. I had a female visitor in earlier today dressed as Concubina. She got smears of green body paint all over everything. Everything.
Jake: He was talking about his penis.
Rosa: I know, Jake.
Jake: He pulls, Rosa. He pulls. That's all I'm saying.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Charles: Hey. The desk sergeant said we're hosting a forensic sciences course.
Captain Holt: Yes, taught by Dr. Ronald Yee.
Amy: He revolutionized the field of forensic entomology. He is a rock star.
Captain Holt: Oh, please. Rock stars wish they were he. The man can tell how long a corpse had been decomposing just by studying the maggots inside. I'd like to see Barbra Streisand do that.
Amy: I'm not sure Barbra Streisand counts as a rock star, sir.
Captain Holt: She sings in English. That's rock music.

Rosa: Why are you so excited? You don't care about those stupid books.
Jake: I actually did read all of them in prison. They are the greatest books I've ever read, and I've read "Cujo."

Jake: Terry, you are a great husband, father, detective, painter, dancer, and you're so jacked you have muscles on your back.
Sergeant Jeffords: Everyone has back muscles, Jake.
Jake: Nuh-huh, my back looks like the inside of a spoon.