Jake: Gah! Now I have to tell Sarge that his fantasy novel stinks. This is the hardest part of being a cop.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Hey. The desk sergeant said we're hosting a forensic sciences course.
Captain Holt: Yes, taught by Dr. Ronald Yee.
Amy: He revolutionized the field of forensic entomology. He is a rock star.
Captain Holt: Oh, please. Rock stars wish they were he. The man can tell how long a corpse had been decomposing just by studying the maggots inside. I'd like to see Barbra Streisand do that.
Amy: I'm not sure Barbra Streisand counts as a rock star, sir.
Captain Holt: She sings in English. That's rock music.

Rosa: Why are you so excited? You don't care about those stupid books.
Jake: I actually did read all of them in prison. They are the greatest books I've ever read, and I've read "Cujo."

Jake: Terry, you are a great husband, father, detective, painter, dancer, and you're so jacked you have muscles on your back.
Sergeant Jeffords: Everyone has back muscles, Jake.
Jake: Nuh-huh, my back looks like the inside of a spoon.