Jake: Oh, Captain. I would like a $40 gift card to any restaurant that serves nachos.
Captain Holt: I don't have you, Peralta.
Jake: Not only do I know that you do indeed have me, but I also know who everyone else has.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not possible.
Jake: Perhaps not for an ordinary man such as yourself, Jeffords. But for the brilliant mind of Detective Sherlock Peralta - I legally changed my name - it's quite simply elementary. For, you see, Amy made a face I only recognized from our bedroom, which means that she has Captain Holt. Charles has Terry. His eyes keep shifting over to him.
Charles: No, I don't.
Jake: Terry looked disgusted, which means he has Hitchcock. Rosa didn't draw a name, nor did she put one in. She doesn't wanna participate.
Rosa: Never do.
Jake: Hitchcock moves his mouth when he reads and he quite clearly said Charles.
Hitchcock: I did get Charles.
Jake: Scully has Amy. He's hold his paper name-side out.
Scully: Oh, he's good.
Jake: And I have Scully, which means Captain Holt has me. I'll be taking that gift card. Daddy loves nachos.
Captain Holt: Should we draw the names again and leave Jake out?
All: Yeah!
Jake: No! Sherlock wants a present!

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Captain Holt: Do you see me as a father figure, Peralta?
Jake: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure, because you're always bothering me.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, show your father some respect.
Jake: I didn't call him dad.
Captain Holt: No, no. Jacob, I take it as a compliment.
Charles: It's not a big deal. I called Vivian mom once and she's my fiancée.
Jake: Guys, jump on that. Boyle has psycho-sexual issues.
Amy: Old news. But you calling Holt daddy.
Jake: Hey, daddy is not on the table here.
Suspect: Well, you did call him dad, dude.
Jake: You shut up. You've done nothing but lie since you got here.
Suspect: Okay, I was lying about the hold-up, but the daddy thing that happened.
Jake: Ah-ha. He admitted the alibi was a lie. All part of my crazy, devious plan.
Captain Holt: I believed you-
Jake: Thank you.
Captain Holt: -son. You want to talk about it later over a game of catch?
Jake: I'd like that.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Diaz, you should be very proud of yourself. I know things aren't exactly where you wanna be right now, but, uh, I promise you they will improve.
Rosa: Thank you, Captain.
Captain Holt: Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place. So thank you.

Jake: Maybe just be honest with them. Right? Tell 'em how you feel. Like, you could say, "Mom, Dad, I'm bisexual. But I'm still your daughter. I'm still the same person that I've always been. And who I love will never change that.
And you guys raised me to be strong and confident. And I don't wanna hide who I am anymore. I am bi."
Rosa: Damn. That was-
Jake: "And I know that this may come as a shock to you, but it's my truth. So I hope you can accept that."
Rosa: Jake-
Jake: "Maybe you still see me as your little girl, but I'm woman now. And I know my own heart."
Rosa: You done?
Jake: Yeah. Wow, that felt amazing. I really disappeared into it. Should I become an actor?
Rosa: Absolutely not.
Jake: Copy that.

Captain Holt: Anything else?
Rosa: Uh, yes. Something I'd like to say. I'm a pretty private person so this is kinda hard for me, but here we go. I'm bisexual. All right. I will now field one minute and zero seconds of questions pertaining to this. Go.