Sergeant Jeffords: You were so professional.
Hitchcock: I know. I didn't even fart once. You're right. I can hold it.

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Charles: Hey, guys. Uh, can we talk?
Amy: Let me guess, you got overwhelmed and had to use our six-sandwich technique.
Charles: No, my one at a time system worked perfectly.
Amy: Oh.
Charles: It's just, making Nana Boyle's meatball recipe got me thinking a lot about her-
Amy: And let me guess, you realized she'd be ashamed of how you acted?
Charles: No, Nana Boyle was a monster. She once yelled at me so loud, I fainted.
She was a hateful witch. She died with no friends.
Gina: And let me guess, you realized you were acting just like her and you felt terrible?
Charles: Yes.
Gina: You see, Amy? You don't do "and let me guess" until you're sure you're right.

Captain Holt: Hitchcock, there's a woman here interviewing detectives a part of the Commissioner selection process.
Hitchcock: All right, I'll go hide in the janitor's closet until this is all over. Thanks for the heads up.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late for that. She wants to talk to you.
Hitchcock: What? No! How could you let this happen? I'm nuts!
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, calm down, man. We just took her on a tour of the precinct and now she's at lunch. That means we have one hour to teach you how to behave like a human.
Hitchcock: Oh, I see. You're gonna "My Bare Lady" me.
Captain Holt: "My Bare Lady"?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm assuming it's a "My Fair Lady" porn parody.
Captain Holt: Oh, my. We've got our work cutout for us.

Captain Holt: You're looking at a suspension, maybe worse. Unless you can track down Doug Judy and recover those diamonds.
Jake: Can they wait 12 months? I usually run into him about once a year.