Jake: Although, you know what, since I'm here, why don't I grab, like, eight handguns, couple of shotguns, and, I don't know, three more handguns.
Wax Eagan: Can I see some ID?
Jake: Yes, of course, of course. Oh. Would you look at that? I forgot my license, but I do happen to have this big old wad-
Wax Eagan: No problem.
Jake: Hmm?
Wax Eagan: I don't need your ID. Federal database is down anyway. Wink wink.
Jake: Ah.
Wax Eagan: So how do you like your ammo? By the box or by the bucket?
Jake: Cool, cool, cool, cool. Our country is broken.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Captain Holt: Actually I borrowed $3,000 from my walking group friend Ruth.
[cut to Holt and Ruth power walking]
Captain Holt: Ruth, I'm going to be straight with you. I accidentally knocked up a woman.
Ruth: Greg!
Captain Holt: You know me. I see a pair of thick weighty breasts and all logic flies out the window.
[later]
Jake: Heterosexual you is such a dog.

Amy: Guys, guys, the marshal gave me good news about Jake.
Charles: Jake's back. Jake's back! Oh, we're not ready. We need gummy worms. We need them now!

Jake: Also it probably goes without saying, but it's chill to whiz in this thing. I mean, I have been. You can if you want. I haven't been if you haven't. Have you? I haven't. Have you?