Amy: Well, there's just one convict left. Whoever finds him wins.
Jake: Yeah. I guess you could say he's the Golden Snitch.
Amy: Wait. Was that a "Harry Potter" reference?
Jake: It most definitely was. I started reading them 'cause you love them so much.
Amy: And?
Jake: You were right. They're incredible. Remember when I called in sick the other day? I was at home reading "Order of the Phoenix."
Amy: Oh, this makes me so happy! How sad is it when Cedric dies?
Jake: I was crushed. Literally crying on the toilet.
Amy: Aww.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Amy: Hey. I don't get it. Why did you decide to let me win?
Jake: I don't know. When we were back there racing through the Miranda Rights, I just looked over at you and thought, "You're awesome. And you're good at doing things." I mean, sure, I'll miss towel, but your happiness is worth way more than winning some stupid bet.
Amy: Are you sure about this?
Jake: Oh, yeah. Your apartment is better than mine in every way imaginable. You want to know what my first thought was when we dropped into the sewer? "Smells like home."
Sergeant Jeffords: He's lying, Amy. His first thought was about the Ninja Turtles.
Amy: Come on, Terry. We were in a sewer. He's gon'sta think about the Turtles.
Jake: Yeah, I'm gon'sta, Terry. Quit being such a Malfoy.
Amy: Yeah, Terry.

Amy: Anyway, gentlemen, we are off to catch some more convicts. Two more, and we win.
Charles: Huh, just two? (SCOFFS) No sweat. Literally.
Jake: Get out of here. Take those glass cutters with you.
Charles: Oh, these lil' ol' things? [Charles licks his finger and lightly touches his rear-end while making a sizzling sound] Tsst.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Jake: Why'd you put your finger in the middle?

Marshawn Lynch: I ain't seen anything. I was eating my quesadilla. It was a good one. Chicken, cheese, guac. But they forgot my pico de gallo.
[5 minutes later:] I remember when I was a little boy, my mama used to make this, uh, she used to call it "fo' cheese." What y'all call it? Y'all call it "four"?
[12 minutes later] How come they never make quesadillas with sausage? You throw some tomato sauce in there and call it a pizza-dilla - What you think?
Rosa: What is going on?
[21 minutes later:]
Marshawn Lynch: This one time, I tried to wait up all night to catch Santa Claus, right? You know how they tell you you got to put the cookies and the milk out?
[36 minutes later:] I don't really be telling nobody this, but I like to sleep with the fan on, even when it's chilly outside. All about that white noise, baby.
Rosa: Stop. Stop talking, Marshawn Lynch. Did you see anything after the van crashed? Yes or no?
Marshawn Lynch: Nope. Like I told you, I was just eating my quesadilla. Have I talked to y'all about my pizza-dilla invention?