Sergeant Jeffords: You two, up now! I'm taking away the thing you love most in the world. Sitting. You'll get your chairs back when you apologize to each other.

Sergeant Jeffords: You should take my minivan.
Rosa: A minivan? Ha ha.
Sergeant Jeffords: You all got a problem with my minivan? Because my wife doesn't like it either. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. They roll!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm playing Kwazy Cupcakes, I'm hydrated as hell, and I'm listening to Sheryl Crow. I've got my own party going on.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. I need someone to fill out a line up. Will you be scary Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I love being Scary Terry. He says what regular Terry's thinking.
[cut to:
Sergeant Jeffords: This is taking too long! I'm gonna miss the farmer's market!

Jake: Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX. That's I-G Nacious.

Jake: I know what's happening. I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential. It's too much for me. I'm "Limitless" -ing.
Gina: I don't think water makes you jittery.
Rosa: It does if it's laced with caffeine.
Jake: You dosed my water?
Rosa: You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Jake: Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter. [gasps] Me having stirk?
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
[Jake takes another drink]
Gina: [gasps] Why would you drink more?
Jake: My brain wants its fast juice.

Captain Holt: Santiago, I've been your CO for four years. By now, you should be able to stand up for yourself, even if that means telling me off.
Amy: You're right. Just say the word, and I will tell you off.
Captain Holt: Okay, tell me off about losing your pen.
Amy: Oh. Right now? Okay, well, it makes me feel pretty annoyed.
Captain Holt: Good. Go on.
Amy: It grates my cheese. I mean, it just really grates my cheese. Grr!
Captain Holt: Oh, Santiago, you're faking.
Amy: Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"?
Captain Holt: Just admit it.
Amy: Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
Captain Holt: That ruins it. I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
Amy: It was good. Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry. Did you even get close?
Amy: Uh-
Captain Holt: What about your last CO? Could he make you angry?
Amy: Well-
Captain Holt: You know what? I don't wanna know. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.