Quotes from ‘The Slaughterhouse’

The Slaughterhouse

The Slaughterhouse
Season 4, Episode 20 - Aired May 16, 2017

Captain Holt's mom (guest star L. Scott Caldwell) seeks support from the precinct after her house is robbed. Meanwhile, Terry, Rosa and Boyle remodel the breakroom and Amy teaches Gina how to change her own car tire. Then, Jake and Rosa try to earn the respect of their idol, Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins (guest star Gina Gershon), while Charles, Terry and Gina test different parenting methods to resolve a conflict between Scully and Hitchcock.

Quote from Jake

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You tank the operation, and you put one of my men out of commission. I am this close to suspending the both of you.
Jake: Almost looked like your fingers were actually touching.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Last night, Scully said he was sick, so I went by myself. Guess who was there, healthy as a clam? Mr. Liar and his new tart Cindy Shatz. What happened to our bro code? Badge before va-
Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock, no.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Gina, as you know, my fountain pen is being re-nibbed in Germany.
Gina: Yes, it's all no one is talking about.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Due to its absence, I borrowed Amy's favorite pen, and I lost it.
Gina: That pen is her best friend. I'm not even saying that as an insult. I've heard her say it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Santiago, I've been your CO for four years. By now, you should be able to stand up for yourself, even if that means telling me off.
Amy: You're right. Just say the word, and I will tell you off.
Captain Holt: Okay, tell me off about losing your pen.
Amy: Oh. Right now? Okay, well, it makes me feel pretty annoyed.
Captain Holt: Good. Go on.
Amy: It grates my cheese. I mean, it just really grates my cheese. Grr!
Captain Holt: Oh, Santiago, you're faking.
Amy: Faking? What? Uh, did you hear that "grr"?
Captain Holt: Just admit it.
Amy: Okay, fine, I was faking the whole time, but I only did it because I wanted you to enjoy it.
Captain Holt: That ruins it. I mean, it's supposed to be good for both of us.
Amy: It was good. Just because I didn't get angry doesn't mean I didn't get anything out of it.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but the whole point is for you to get angry. Did you even get close?
Amy: Uh-
Captain Holt: What about your last CO? Could he make you angry?
Amy: Well-
Captain Holt: You know what? I don't wanna know. Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sir, are you all right?
Captain Holt: I failed you, Santiago. I want my officers to respect the chain of command, but I never want anyone to be so terrified of me that they repress basic emotions. I'm a terrible captain.
Amy: Stop that. You are not a terrible captain.
Captain Holt: Santiago, face facts. I'm garbage.
Amy: No, this is about me and my issues with authority. You've been great.
Captain Holt: Wrong, I've been a disaster.
Amy: I can't believe you would blame yourself for this. How stupid are you?
Captain Holt: So stupid. I'm such a stupid head.
Amy: The fact that you think this has anything to do with you is insane. Do you even-[gasps] Oh, my God, I'm yelling at you.
Captain Holt: Yes, you are. You're in the zone. Keep going.
Amy: Oh, okay. I can't believe you lost my pen. That was careless and rude!
Captain Holt: And?
Amy: And it was a real jerk move!
Captain Holt: Santiago! You did it!
Amy: And I am so sick of you playing your damn classical music in your office all day. It's too loud! We can all hear it!
Captain Holt: Okay, well, this has been-
Amy: You shut your mouth when I'm talking to you.
Captain Holt: Santiago.
Amy: Right, too far. I'm sorry. This is all very new for me.

Quote from Gina

Gina: My God, you two are fools. [laughs] Your folly was in treating them as children.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course, we should've been treating 'em like adults.
Gina: No, wrong again. They're not children. They're not adults. They're animals. Filthy, wild animals and they need to be treated accordingly.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Yeah, I really wish he'd show up. I gotta go to the bathroom so bad.
Rosa: That's, like, the third time today, man. What is going on with you?
Jake: Oh, Amy freaked out 'cause I told her I never drink water so now she's making me drink eight glasses a day. It's, like, there's water in soda, there's water in coffee, there's little pools of water on pizza.
Rosa: That's grease, Jake.
Jake: Well, it's wet, isn't it?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.
Jake: My name is Detective Ignatius Pennyfeather IX. That's I-G Nacious.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Well, this sucks. Lieutenant Hawkins is my idol, and now she hates me.
Rosa: She is so cool. She's been buried alive three times. I've only been buried alive once.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I heard she doesn't let anyone take her photograph so that she can still go undercover. Hey, Rosa, delete all the pictures you have of me.
Rosa: I don't have any.
Jake: Not even the Splash Mountain one?

Quote from Captain Holt

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You two, get in here.
Captain Holt: You're in God's hands now. Good-bye.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I swear, I would rather drink ginger ale, Rosa. Honestly, ginger ale!

Quote from Scully

Charles: So a guy got stabbed at 3rd and Union. You know what that means. I got 3rd Street bagels!
Hitchcock: Wow, it's so nice and surprising when somebody thinks of others. Scully.
Scully: I was thinking of you. I was thinking about how stupid your face is.
Hitchcock: That's it! I'm licking all these bagels. You get none!
Scully: Oh, you think your spit's gonna stop me? Brother, you don't know me at all.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Charles: Ugh, what are we watching?
Sergeant Jeffords: They've been fighting like little kids all morning, and I can't get 'em to stop. I tried everything, ordering them to stop and- Well, that's really all I tried. But I'm their superior officer. That should've worked.

Quote from Captain Holt

aptain Holt: I have a COMPSTAT presentation coming up, and I was toying with the idea of using hand gestures, for emphasis, so I went out on the roof to practice-
[cut to Holt on the roof:]
Captain Holt: And, ladies and gentlemen, violent crime has gone down by 10 percent. [he waves his hand and launches the pen off the roof]
[present:]
Captain Holt: Amy is going to be very angry, maybe even angrier than when they added "YOLO" to the dictionary.

Quote from Amy

Gina: You know, I wouldn't worry about it. Amy's, like, physically incapable of being mad at you.
Captain Holt: I don't think she'll be disrespectful, but certainly she'll be upset.
Gina: Ehh, watch this. Amy, someone lost your pen, girl.
Amy: Gina, you better be joking. That pen is my best friend, and I will straight up-
Gina: It was Captain Holt.
Amy: Oh, that's fine. It's just a pen.
Gina: It's just a pen. [derisive laugh]

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, so I talked to my C.I.s, and nobody's heard anything about Ocampo, but I talked to Skeezy J, who said he's been taking night classes. He wants to be a dietician. I'm excited for him.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Hawkins knows we're working the case.
Jake: I highly doubt it. What makes you say that?
Rosa: She just called and said, "Get over here. I know you're working the case."
Jake: Hmm, so it appears you were onto something. Very good. Touche. Well, off to death.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: This place is awesome. I've always wanted to work in a covert facility.
Jake: I know. We're in a black site, Rosa. I bet they have some awesome name for it.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Welcome to the Slaughterhouse.
Jake: Told ya.

Quote from Jake

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: So why don't you both come back tomorrow and we can start working this together? And, who knows, if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my squad. Maybe one of you could fill it.
Jake: Or maybe one of us could fill it.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Excuse me?
Jake: What you said better. Rosa, leave now?

Quote from Jake

Jake: So based on these phone records, we think Ocampo is definitely still in Brooklyn. Unrelated question: Is it true you still have a bullet lodged in your hip from your shootout with the Canarsie Killer?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: No.
Jake: Darn.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: It's in my jaw.
Jake: Yes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I also ride motorcycles.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Oh, yeah? What do you ride?
Jake: Oh, it's in the shop right now. Yeah, the torque felt low, so I was like, "Bro, we gots to up the torque." We all know how it is. Anyways, I could talk about my steel horse all darn day. We got work to do.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Tell me where he is. I'm gonna count to three. There will not be a four.

Quote from Jake

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: "There will not be a four." Die Hard. Nice.
Jake: You like "Die Hard"?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Best movie ever.
Jake: Best franchise ever. I even have the Justin Long one on Blu-ray.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: I saw the fifth one in the theaters.
Jake: So did I! Wait, there was only one other person there. Was that you?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Atlantic Avenue?
Jake: No, but that would've been a cool coincidence.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: I also like "Die Hard."
Jake: Really, Rosa? What's your favorite part?
Rosa: The shootouts.
Jake: Interesting. Vague and interesting. But it's funny 'cause I always thought your favorite movies were made by Nancy Meyers.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Seriously?
Rosa: What? No. I hate that crap.
Jake: Really? So you hate the one starring Diane Keaton and John Wick? What was it called again?
Rosa: I don't know.
Jake: "Something Has to Give"?
Rosa: "Something's Gotta Give."
Jake: I got ya.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Too much torque! Too much torque!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, okay, I see what's happening. This is a competition. We're officially competing.
Rosa: Oh, yeah, we're competing.
Jake: Fine, then it's on, and I'm gonna crush you. Also, I need a ride. Can I please sit on the back of your motorcycle?
Rosa: No.
Jake: Well played. Looks like I'm gonna find out if a motorcycle fits on the subway.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I know what's happening. I'm finally hydrated, and it's unlocking my brain's full potential. It's too much for me. I'm "Limitless" -ing.
Gina: I don't think water makes you jittery.
Rosa: It does if it's laced with caffeine.
Jake: You dosed my water?
Rosa: You just drank 960 cups of coffee.
Jake: Oh, that esprains why I no talk butter. [gasps] Me having stirk?
Rosa: [laughs] Good luck solving that case.
[Jake takes another drink]
Gina: [gasps] Why would you drink more?
Jake: My brain wants its fast juice.

Quote from Scully

Charles: All right, I need you guys to assemble this jigsaw puzzle for a case I'm working on.
Hitchcock: Why do we have to do it together?
Scully: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: Uh ... 'cause?
Scully: Can't argue with that.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Cooperation instead of punishment. Damn, Boyle, that is some advanced level parenting right there.
Charles: I learned from the best-
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you.
Charles: Lorelai from "Gilmore Girls."
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay.
Charles: I guess being a daddy just comes naturally to me.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What's wrong, Rosa? Out of gas? Yeah, it got all in my mouth. It was horrible. But still not as bad as water.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Son of a bitch. Where'd you find a steering wheel?
Jake: I didn't. I had a Frisbee in the trunk, and I taped it on. That's right. I MacGyvered the donk out of this thing, and it worked flawlessly. Actually, I hit a ton of stuff on the way over here. It was awful.
Rosa: Of course you did.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You're under arrest. Also, I'm gonna have to pee while I hold you at gunpoint. I've been drinking so much water.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Look, I know it sucks there's only one spot, but working for Hawkins is my dream. I mean, she takes down the biggest criminals in the city.
Rosa: I get it. Dude, it's just, our captain's a man, our sergeant's a man. Every superior officer I've ever had has been a man. It just seemed cool to work for a badass woman like Hawkins for once, but whatever, I'm good. Also, I spiked your gum with caffeine.
Jake: How?

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Face it, Charles, we couldn't make 'em get along. We failed as parents.
Charles: Why did I think I knew what I was doing? Poor Nikolaj. His life is ruined.

Quote from Jake

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: You got Ocampo?
Jake: Oh, yeah, and you'll never guess where we found him. In the bathroom not going. He was hiding. I ruined the story.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Come on, I'll buy you a drink that doesn't have any pills in it.
Jake: Sounds good, but I wish you hadn't mentioned liquid. Now I have to pee. I promise you I will never drink water ever again.
Rosa: Thank God.
Jake: It's the worst.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Ugh, where is this guy? Deal was supposed to go down ten minutes ago. Stupid criminals have no respect for the people trying to bust them.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: We're sorry our signals got crossed. This is everything we have on Ocampo.
Jake: Yeah, we've been on his tail for a while. We know everything about him, all the way down to his favorite fro-yo flavor Monkeyberry Marshmallow Blaster.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Guys, why are you fighting? You're best friends.
Hitchcock: Every Sunday after church, Scully and I have dinner together at Wing Sluts.
Charles: We know. You get ribs and White Russians and watch "Undercover Boss."

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Look, none of this matters if we don't find Ocampo. Let's just do our jobs, and Hawkins will do whatever she's gonna do. Doesn't have to be a competition, right?
Jake: Right. Right?
Rosa: Right. Right?
Jake: Right.
Both: Right.

Quote from Jake

Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: So what's our next move? How do we find this guy?
Rosa: I say we tap his brother's phone. They're tight. He'll definitely call.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Jake, you agree?
Jake: Yes, I think that's a great idea. Fully support that. Totally love it. The one thing I will say, though, is, it could take us a while to get a warrant. And we know he's hard up for cash, and we also know that's his primary buyer, so we could see what this guy knows.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Both smart suggestions. I say we do ... Peralta's.
Jake: Yes. [fake groan] Sorry, it's muscle spasm.
Rosa: Whatever.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Sarge, Hitchcock and Scully are out of control. They got into a fight over the ranch dressing, and now it's everywhere.

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: I figured it out, Boyle. They've been acting like kids, so I'm gonna treat 'em like kids.
Charles: Ooh, Daddy's gonna dish out some Daddy discipline. As a fellow daddy, I approve.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop saying "daddy."
Charles: You got it, Papa Bear.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hmm, I actually kinda like that one. Makes me feel strong. Anyway, I'm gonna take away something they love until they stop fighting.
Papa Bear punishment.
Charles: Daddy like!
Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You two, up now! I'm taking away the thing you love most in the world. Sitting. You'll get your chairs back when you apologize to each other.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Maybe we should take our bikes.
Jake: Cool idea, but is it the best move tactically?
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Yes, it is. That way, we can slip through traffic.
Jake: Totally. However, as mentioned, my hog is up in the torque shop, just getting torqued up the hog, so we should probably just share one car over there.
Rosa: Ah, I bet you Floppy Foot will loan you his bike.
Jake: And yet, I don't want to inconvenience Floppy Foot.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Sure he wouldn't mind.
Jake: Right. Even so, it's not like we have his keys. Uh, look at that.
Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins: Let's go.
Jake: You found them. That's fun. I can't wait to drive this motorcycle that I definitely know how to drive.

Quote from Gina

Jake: I'm so wound up! I can't focus!
Gina: Oh, are you flipping out about Tiandra getting kicked off "So You Think You Can Dance"?
Jake: Definitely not.
Gina: Well, you should be. Her Nay Nay was nonpareil.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Why are you in here?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm hiding from Hitchcock and Scully. I can't take anymore. They got into a meatball fight at breakfast. They win. The bullpen is theirs.
Charles: No way, Papa Bear. When Nikolaj and his best friend fight, I have them do an activity together, like a puppy puzzle. Makes 'em cooperate.
Sergeant Jeffords: So are you saying we give Hitchcock and Scully a case and make 'em work it together?
Charles: No, no, no, we give them a puppy puzzle. Now let's go to town on 'em daddy-style.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: How's it going? Ah, I noticed your pupils have stopped pulsating.
Jake: Yeah, because I found the perfect antidote to your little prank. Sure, caffeine speeds you up, but half-and-half slows you down. Ah, dairy. You made one fatal mistake. You forgot how gross I am.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, the half-and-half just met the gasoline. They're not mixing well.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Hey. Before we take Ocampo over to the Slaughterhouse, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, 'cause you are sharpening that knife very intensely.
Rosa: Makes me feel better.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm the same way with "MAD" magazine and "Cracked" magazine.Ah, they're both so good. Tough to pick. I mean, "MAD" is the original, but "Cracked", they've always got a take.

Quote from Gina

Gina: God, I'm gonna make a great dad someday.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Wait a minute. Are we hugging? Have we ever done this before?
Rosa: No, and if you tell anyone, I'll slit your throat.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Thank you so much, Jake.
Jake: Please. I'm just glad you finally get to work for a woman as badass as you are. And as a man, I'd like to apologize for my gender's history-
Rosa: Don't ruin it.
Jake: Okay.

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