Jake: Who's the Vic?
Officer Jen: Name is Andrew Adams.
Jake: Kind of a boring name. Not dope.
Officer Jen: He's an investigative reporter.
Jake: Dope. What was he investigating?
Officer Jen: Chicken farming.
Jake: Sharp turn away from dopeness, but who found the body?
Officer Jen: His boss called the cops when he didn't show up to work, so he was found by Officer Darrell.
Jake: Officer Darrell? You are seriously undoping this.
Jake: You got anything else for me? Jen?
Officer Jen: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Jake: Mysterious. Dope.
Officer Jen: And the alarm system was still armed.
Jake: Dope, dope, dope, dope. So hard to solve.
Rosa: Any surveillance cameras?
Officer Jen: Oh, yeah. Tons of 'em. We checked 'em.
Jake: It's too easy.
Officer Jen: But no one was seen going in or out. So whoever did this was a ghost.
Jake: Yes! A ghost! Oh! I officially declare this case ... dope!

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

Captain Holt: I'm here because Major Crimes wants this case. I was hoping to tell them you have some leads. I overheard you mention a Bill Bo-Baggins. Should we bring him in?
Jake: Well, as much as I would love to meet him, he is not a suspect.

Jake: Whoo! I love the first walkthrough of a crime scene. It's kind of like arriving at summer camp, except the lake is full of blood and your bunk mate is dead. I think I might be bad at metaphors.