Quotes from ‘The Crime Scene’

The Crime Scene

The Crime Scene
Season 6, Episode 6 - Aired February 14, 2019

Jake and Rosa must deal with a mother in mourning as they work and rework a crime scene in order to solve a difficult murder case with confusing evidence.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I'm here because Major Crimes wants this case. I was hoping to tell them you have some leads. I overheard you mention a Bill Bo-Baggins. Should we bring him in?
Jake: Well, as much as I would love to meet him, he is not a suspect.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Where's the footage from the bodega across the street?
Jake: We have that? That is so crazy. We are under surveillance at all times. I'm sure it's fine and it won't backfire and ruin society. Zoom in on his face.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, Rosa. You know what it's time for.
Rosa: I do.
Both: Jake and Rosa's final impressions.
Rosa: Your client's a hit man. He snuck into the apartment during a party several nights earlier, hid in the vent for three days, then emerged and murdered Adams. Jake?
Jake: He then spilled bags of blood that he stole from a blood bank all over the floor and turned on the victim's vacuum cleaner to make the crime scene as messy as possible. Rosa?
Rosa: The messy scene meant there'd be extra crime techs, allowing your client to sneak out in a Hazmat suit, which records show he bought online.
Jake: Two weeks before the crime was committed. My only question is, who was behind all this?
Perp: I was hired by a chicken farmer.
Jake: Okay. Dopeness taking a late hit here, but we still got you. See you at the sentencing, peace, and we're out.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Who's the Vic?
Officer Jen: Name is Andrew Adams.
Jake: Kind of a boring name. Not dope.
Officer Jen: He's an investigative reporter.
Jake: Dope. What was he investigating?
Officer Jen: Chicken farming.
Jake: Sharp turn away from dopeness, but who found the body?
Officer Jen: His boss called the cops when he didn't show up to work, so he was found by Officer Darrell.
Jake: Officer Darrell? You are seriously undoping this.
Jake: You got anything else for me? Jen?
Officer Jen: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Jake: Mysterious. Dope.
Officer Jen: And the alarm system was still armed.
Jake: Dope, dope, dope, dope. So hard to solve.
Rosa: Any surveillance cameras?
Officer Jen: Oh, yeah. Tons of 'em. We checked 'em.
Jake: It's too easy.
Officer Jen: But no one was seen going in or out. So whoever did this was a ghost.
Jake: Yes! A ghost! Oh! I officially declare this case ... dope!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Rosa. Check it out. Triple digies! There's so much evidence, we hit triple digies.

Quote from Jake

Jake: But you know what's not cool? Our Vic ordered his dinner from House of Lettuce. There's no way this guy knew he was gonna die. No one would want lettuce as their last meal. For example, my last meal is gon'st to be Sour Straws.
Rosa: You just keep those in your pocket?
Jake: We face death every day. I gotta be prepared to go out on my own terms.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Will you be willing to go inside and let us know if anything looks different to you?
Max Prescott: Yeah. Sure, that's fine. I don't care. [screams] Why would you show this to me? Oh, I'm too high to see this. There's blood on the fish! On the fish!
[later:]
Jake: I always forget how weirdly numb to horrific things we are. Do you think it affects our souls and the relationships we build with others?
Rosa: Oh, for sure.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Detectives.
Jake: Ah! Captain. Did you come down here to take a look at the two best detectives you've ever worked with in action?
Captain Holt: The two best detectives I've ever worked with are Montez and Dillman.
Jake: Oh. You never mentioned them before.
Captain Holt: They were excellent.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay. New idea. We're gonna get inside the mind of the killer. We eat the veggie wraps. Here we go. Oh, this sick bastard. Oh, man. This is one twisted mother. Oh, the beets are raw. This guy is demented, Rosa!

Quote from Charles

Jake: There's nothing crazy about this, sister. It's the crime scene: stove, kitchen island, blood, and of course, the body.
Charles: [whispering] Hi, Rosa. I'm the body.
Jake: Shh. Stay in character!
Charles: Roger that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so, no one went in, no one came out. The lab confirmed that the surveillance footage wasn't tampered with. So what happened in there, Olive Rosa?
Rosa: I don't know.
Jake: Ah! You can talk. Oh. Rosa. [laughs] It's just you. I thought I was really going crazy for a second there. [to the olive] It was just person Rosa.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: That's weird. The police tape's already gone.
Jake: Oh, yeah, Major Crimes released the scene yesterday. But I'm sure they haven't had time to clean up the evidence-
Rosa: Oh, man, they emptied the place out. Nothing left in here. I can't believe this is how it ends.
Jake: Yeah. Is it weird that I miss the smell?

Quote from Jake

Rosa: The CSI guys! Franco said he had 14 techs, but didn't you count 15?
Jake: I did count 15! My math was right! Suck it, Mrs. Skanga! She was my Algebra II teacher. She threw a protractor at my head.
Rosa: She sucks.
Jake: She sucked! Actually, she was very sweet. She believed in me.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: Okay, so there's us arriving. Oh, man, is that how I walk?
Rosa: Yes.
Jake: Should I change how I walk?
Rosa: Yes.
Jake: All right. Wait. Go back.
Rosa: Jake, we don't have time to fix your walk. It's gonna take a lot of work, and we're very busy.

Quote from Jake

Franco McCoy: That man's not CSI.
Jake: No, Franco. But he is about to say CS-Bye. Yeah-ow!
Franco McCoy: Respect, Jake. Respect.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: It's my mom. I waited too long for her to come around and call me, so I called her.
Jake: That is so great. Oh, no. Is she meeting you here? Am I about to get caught in the middle of all your weird awkwardness again?
Julia Diaz: Hello, Jake.
Jake: Ah! Hello, Mrs. Diaz! America's favorite mother! [clears throat]
Julia Diaz: So?
Rosa: So.
Jake: So... Rosa's bi.
Julia Diaz: Yes, Jake, I remember.
Jake: Cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool-
Rosa: You don't have to stay, man.
Jake: Great. Thanks.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Hey. Sorry I'm late. The coffee guy was-
Jake: Assaulting your head? What is going on up there?
Rosa: Is it bad?
Jake: Before I answer that question, do you currently have a knife on you?
Rosa: Yeah, several.
Jake: Then I love it. It really is hair. It's bad, Rosa. You look like Edna from "The Incredibles." I'm sorry, don't stab me.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, let's get into this murder. I'm hoping it's a dope one. Mamma Mia.
That's a bloody pizza pie. [Rosa groans] No, it's okay. I can say that. I'm half Italian.
Rosa: That's not the problem I had with it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Whoo! I love the first walkthrough of a crime scene. It's kind of like arriving at summer camp, except the lake is full of blood and your bunk mate is dead. I think I might be bad at metaphors.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I can't even think about eating. Smells like the brim of Scully's hat in here.

Quote from Jake

Franco McCoy: Just do me a favor. Don't turn into a star humper around me or my squad, because they make TV shows about us sometimes.
Jake: What? They make shows about us all the time.
Franco McCoy: Name one.
Jake: "Law and Order".
Franco McCoy: Never heard of it.
Jake: "NYPD Blue".
Franco McCoy: Nope.
Jake: "Miami Vice".
Franco McCoy: Nah.
Jake: "Hill Street Blues".
Franco McCoy: Pass.
Jake: "The Wire".
Franco McCoy: Sounds dumb.
Jake: "Rizzoli & Isles".
Franco McCoy: Okay. That's a good one.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Hey, Jake. You know what it's time for?
Jake: I sure do.
Both: Jake and Rosa's first impressions.
Rosa: Cast-off pattern on the far wall suggests upward knife slices. Jake?
Jake: Wounds on the vic's back means he didn't see the killer coming. Rosa?
Rosa: Laptop, wallet, keys all in plain sight. No sign of forced entry. Doesn't connote a robbery. Jake?
Jake: But it does connote that our killer was waiting for Adams in the apartment. Did I just use the word "connote" correctly?
Rosa: You did.
Jake: Great. Will you text that to Amy? I don't want to say what using good vocabulary gets me.
Rosa: Okay.
Jake: Sexual intercourse.
Rosa: Gross.
Jake: What? We're adults.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Did you really just promise a victim's family member we would solve a crime?
Jake: Oh, come on. I was just consoling her.
Rosa: No. It was a full-on promise, and it wasn't just her.
[cut to Jake on the phone:]
Jake: Yes, Betty. I promise I will find your friend's son's killer. Yes, you can put your husband on. I'll promise him too. Okay, well, what's his number at work, then? Do you have a pen?

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Dude, you never make a promise, because if we don't solve this, you've given her false hope, and that is way worse.
Jake: Normally, I would totally agree with you, but we're going to solve this case. We have so much evidence. We hit triple digies!

Quote from Jake

Jake: My goodness. Did Mother Gothel finally let you out of the tower to see the lanterns that fly for your birthday?
Rosa: What?
Jake: It was a "Tangled" burn. Charles and I watched it for bros night.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I can taste the smell. Ugh. You shouldn't be able to taste smells.

Quote from Jake

Franco McCoy: I have no matches of anything on any criminal databases whatsoever.
Rosa: Still feeling good about your promise, Jake?
Jake: Still feeling good about that haircut, Cousin It?

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Jake, this guy saw the perp. We have to get him in front of a sketch artist.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I'm feeling it now, Rosa. At this time tomorrow, we're gonna know exactly what our killer looks like.
[later:]
Rosa: We have no idea what our killer looks like.
Jake: Well, that's not totally true. We now know that the killer might look like Seth Myers, Winona Ryder, or Bilbo Baggins.
Rosa: The delivery guy kept starting over. Apparently, he's always high.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Not nothing. Jake made a new best friend. The vic's mom. He promised her he'd solve the case.
Captain Holt: That's a rookie mistake.
Jake: Okay. Fine. So maybe I'm not Montana and Dilbert.
Captain Holt: Montez and Dillman! And they would've remembered your name after one mention.
Jake: Because we're memorable, and they're not. Turned it around.
Captain Holt: Nope.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, look, Captain. Rosa and I are gonna solve this case. The answer is in this room. We just have to focus and let the room speak to us, isn't that right, room?
Captain Holt: When you talk to the room, I lose even more confidence in you.
Jake: Why? Oh, wait, I see it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay. Let's look at the scene like we're seeing it for the first time with fresh eyes. Vic was face down.
Rosa: Cast-off splatter suggests upward knife slices.
Jake: No signs of forced entry.
Rosa: Laptop, wallet, keys were all there.
Both: Doesn't connote a robbery.
Jake: Wait a minute. Have we said this already? Are we just having the exact same conversation?
Rosa: Yep.
Jake: Cool. Moving on.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: All we have to do is figure out what kind of person can walk by cameras without being seen. Someone camouflaged as a wall.
Rosa: Unlikely.
Jake: Harry Potter and his invisibility cloak.
Rosa: Not a real person.
Jake: Babadook.
Rosa: Doesn't exist.
Jake: What about a Looper situation?
Rosa: It's not a Looper situation.
Jake: It could totally be a Looper situation!
Rosa: It's not a Looper situation.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: Hey, we heard there's a hot dog in here.
Rosa: No. Jake lied for no reason.
Hitchcock: That son of a bitch!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, hey, babe.
Amy: [screams] [grunts]
Jake: Ugh! It's me, Jake! I'm just working! What is wrong with you?
Amy: What are you doing? Why do you have a knife? Why am I covered in red Post-its?
Franco McCoy: That's blood. You're the corpse.
Amy: [screams] Jake, who is that?
Franco McCoy: Franco McCoy. CSI.
Jake: He's helping me with the case.
Franco McCoy: For the record, I think it's weird that I'm here too.
Amy: Both of you, get out!
Jake: Yeah, sounds good.
Franco McCoy: Sorry to wake you. Sweet dreams.
Jake: Come on.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You look like crap. You look like a freshman at an all-women's college.
Rosa: I don't think you're in a position to be offering criticism right now.
Jake: More than fair.

Quote from Rosa

Franco McCoy: Here's the security footage. It's rated G for Gonna Get Got.
Rosa: Less is more, Franco. Play the tape.

Quote from Rosa

Julia Diaz: It's really good to see you, Rosalita.
Rosa: It's good to see you too.
Julia Diaz: What did you do to your hair?
Rosa: Mom!
Julia Diaz: No, no, no, it's very cute, mija.
[Rosa groans]

Quote from Jake

Rosa: My girlfriend Jocelyn's been practicing a bunch of different hairstyles on me. She's in cosmetology school.
Jake: Is she ... passing?

Quote from Jake

Officer Jen: Detectives. The vacuum was running when we got here. Smeared blood across the entire apartment.
Rosa: Is this dope enough for you?
Jake: I mean, it's a bloody robot, Rosa. It's clearly a good start, but it's gonna take more than that to be certified as dope.

Quote from Jake

Franco McCoy: That's the heat wave. It sped up body decomp. I guess you could say this mystery is straight outta decomp-ton.
Jake: No. Who are you?
Franco McCoy: I'm Franco McCoy. I'm running CSI and forensics. You two must be detectives. I can tell because you look pretty buttoned up.
Jake: We're both wearing leather jackets. And I won this hoodie for eating a big pizza.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, if the heat is causing the smell, why don't we just turn on the air conditioning-
Franco McCoy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That kind of air flow is gonna kick up all kinds of dust particles. That AC stays off, which means the odor in here? Only gonna get worse. Pro tip: plug your noses. Had this little bad boy custom-made 3-D printed to fit these sweet nosters.
Jake: Are you trying to abbreviate "nostrils"?
Franco McCoy: In CSI, we don't try. [nasally] We do, son.
Jake: Okay. Well, it's been sort of okay meeting you. We're gonna turn our backs and ignore you now.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Rock-paper-scissors for who has to talk to the vic's mom.
Jake: Deal. It's a game of chance. How do you always win?
Rosa: You always pick paper.
Jake: That is not true. Here, go again. One more time. All right, one more time. One more time. One more time. One more time. All right, one more time.
One more time. God, this reverse psychology is a bust!

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Wow. You really are an idiot.
Jake: Um, exsqueeze me?

Quote from Jake

Rosa: You broke the number one rule of dealing with a victim's family member. What were you thinking?
Jake: I don't know. She reminded me of my mom, okay? A single mother crying in the hallway? Those are some of my best childhood memories.

Quote from Jake

Jake: We'll interview his friends and neighbors and coworkers. Come on. We got this! We're Jake and Rosa!
Franco McCoy: And also Franco.
Jake: You're not a part of this, Franco.
Franco McCoy: Your loss.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wow. Moving fast. Meetin' each other's parents.
Rosa: Yeah. Well, I'm meeting hers. I still haven't talked to my mom since coming out, so it's kind of a bummer. I don't really want to talk about this. Can we find a segue?
Jake: What? You can't just say "let's find a segue."
Rosa: I just did.
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: I talked to the neighbors. Our Vic had a party three nights before the murder. I talked to everyone on the guest list. They all have alibis, so I got nothing. How did your interviews go?
Jake: Not great. I talked to his coworkers, friends, and family. No one had a motive. Everyone loved him. The dumb jerk. RIP.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Did you promise any of them that you'd find the killer?
Jake: Yes, his aunt. She also reminded me of my mom. Her name was Karen!

Quote from Jake

Franco McCoy: That's the heat cookin' the blood rot right out of the floorboards.
Set scent to simmer. Serve over rice.
Jake: Well I hated that.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: What're you doing?
Jake: Texting my mom. I mean, the vic's mom. I know that it's bad that I said "my mom."
Rosa: It's bad that you're texting her.
Jake: I know

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ah. Good morning, Rosa. I see you're still going out with Edward Scissorhands.

Quote from Jake

Franco McCoy: Peralta. Diaz. Special delivery. Delivery guy.
Jake: Wow, Franco, you're really getting lazy.
Franco McCoy: You're lazy.
Jake: Even lazier.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Okay, so who is?
Jake: At this time? No one. But we are currently investigating ... no leads.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Windows and doors locked from the inside. Nobody in or out. Think, think, think- Oh! The upstairs neighbor and his best friend drilled through the ceiling, murdered Adams, bleed all over the apartment, then climbed back up and sealed the hole behind them!
Franco McCoy: Negative, we would have found construction debris and microscopic paint fibers. The only thing that needs patching is that theory.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, my God, Rosa, come here. Look at the blood spatter. Do you see what I see?
Rosa: Uh, blood.
Jake: In the exact shape of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Pec, pec, delt, delt.Big Samoan tattoo.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Rosa. I think I just made a connection. The number three is everywhere. Three people. Three types of blood. And guess what the tax was on the veggie wraps? Three dollars. And 19¢, but if you ignore the 19, then it's three!

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Okay. You've lost your mind.
Jake: What? Who told you that? Was it room?
Rosa: No. It's the fact that you think the room has a voice and also you're working in your boxers!
Jake: To beat the heat, Rosa! To beat the heat! If we can't turn on the AC, that's not crazy, it's just smart.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Oh, wow.
Jake: Ah! Hey! Rosa, guess what? There was no hot dog. Who's the lunatic now?
Rosa: Still you, Jake.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell is going on in here?
Rosa: Jake's gone insane because he promised the victim's mom he'd solve her son's murder.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? You never promise a victim's relative anything.
Jake: Oh, please. Classic Terry. Mr. Emotionless. Sgt. Cold Heart. The man who bleeds ice.
Rosa: I don't think that rings true.

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