Quotes from ‘A Tale of Two Bandits’

A Tale of Two Bandits

A Tale of Two Bandits
Season 6, Episode 5 - Aired February 7, 2019

Terry believes the Pontiac Bandit is stealing cars again, but Jake is convinced his friend wouldn't do that. The rest of the squad fight to keep Shaw's a police bar after some firemen stake their claim to it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: You're really gonna let these firefighters take Shaw's from us? Think of all the celebrations we've had here, all the times Terry has yelled "Nine-Nine!"
Captain Holt: I hate it when he says that. He should say, "Cheers to the Ninety-Ninth Precinct!"

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Someone's using his signature move to steal cars, plugging in to the OBD port and reprogramming the immobilizer module.
Jake: That's Doug Judy's MO, but it's not him. He told me he went legit.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what he told you last time too, before he screwed you over.
Jake: Yeah, but he returned the diamonds to me eventually, and it turned out that was the only way to get Giggle Pig off the streets. Wait, I may be confusing our adventures. What year was the cruise?

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Dude's a criminal. People don't change.
Jake: Ever heard of Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk? You might want to talk to his shirts and pants about people not changing.

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: Carl? Mangy Carl?
Jake: Yes. That is me.
Trudy Judy: I'm Trudy Judy, Doug's sister. This is our aunt Patrice. I'm so glad you could make it. Doug really loved you.
Jake: Oh, he talked about me?
Trudy Judy: Oh, all the time. He was so afraid he'd fall back into your old life. Doug made Mangy Carl an assistant at the architecture firm. He rescued him from a life on the streets.
Jake: Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.
Trudy Judy: You were selling your body for money.
Jake: Did Doug tell you that?
Trudy Judy: He said all your teeth fell out, and your mouth was just a rotten hole.
Jake: 100% accurate.
Trudy Judy: Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.
Jake: Had to have 'em.
Trudy Judy: Carl thought a plumper rump would help him get his [bleep] every night.
Jake: Yeah, I remember having that thought.
Trudy Judy: But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there, and it got all infected.
Jake: Dark days.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to Shaw's. It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.
Rosa: A place where everybody knows your name is hell. You're describing hell.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: But this is our bar, and it has been forever.
Captain Holt: Change is a good thing.
Rosa: Just yesterday, you were ranting about the Philharmonic adding a second piccolo.
Captain Holt: It's too many! It'll muddle the sound!
Rosa: I'm sorry I brought it up.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So did you check out Judy's alibi?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, and surprisingly, it checks out. Last Saturday night, Doug was deejaying Joshy Greenbaum's bar mitzvah.
Doug Judy: That was a wild party. Auntie Karen is a freak.
Jake: Judy, you deejay bar mitzvahs?
Doug Judy: Best gig I ever had. No one likes hip-hop more than a 13-year-old Jewish boy.
Jake: Mm. So true.

Quote from Rosa

Charles: We don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning, so if you throw up, you're disqualified.
Rosa: I never throw up. I just tell my stomach to deal with it. My body is terrified of me.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Guys, there's no way we can win. There's nine of them and six of us.
Captain Holt: Five of you. I'm going home. Although perhaps I'll stop at Bel Vino on the way, have a glass of Sancerre. Might even try the quince paste if I'm feeling naughty.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You still want to pretend you had nothing to do with this?
Doug Judy: I didn't, and she didn't either. Trudy Judy's not a car thief. Trudy Judy's an angel. She's putting herself through nursing school. And nurses are the best of our society. Name one bad nurse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nurse Ratched. Kathy Bates in "Misery." Nurse Jackie had a pill problem.
Doug Judy: Okay, damn, you got a lot of real good examples off the top of your head.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Amy, where you at?
Amy: Four drinks.
Rosa: What's four-drink Amy again?
Amy: Why don't you come over here and find out?
Rosa: Right, Horny Amy. It feels like you should retire that one for the MeToo era.
Amy: Why don't you come over here and make me?

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: So the fence, Dallas, he works in there.
Jake: I don't like him. My rule? Never trust anyone named after a city.
Doug Judy: What about Orlando Bloom?
Jake: I never thought about him being named after the city before, and his last name is Bloom? Wait a minute, did we just realize something crazy?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! Everyone know it's a crazy name.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: My God. Hitchcock, are you the only person still making sense?
Hitchcock: Yeah. It's bad.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: When I heard that, I was shaken to my core. I thought this bar was beneath me, but what was actually beneath me was my own behavior. I had turned my back on-
Charles: Holt! We do not have time for this. Just drinky, drinky!
Captain Holt: Hank, bring me a Charbonnay.

Quote from Captain Holt

Rosa: Damn, sir, you took that Charbonnay to the house. How you feeling?
Captain Holt: Let me take stock. My equilibrium is askew, my vision is partially impaired, and I'm clearly slurring my words. To put a fine point on it, your boy is turnt.

Quote from Rosa

Rob Dulubnik: Oh, yeah? We experience plenty of tragedy too. We lose a man a year to the pole hole.
[Rosa laughs]

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Peralta, looks like an old friend of yours is back in town.
Charles: Who? That guy Neil that you bunked with at sleepaway camp?
Jake: Oh, Neil from camp was the best. He could pick up a milk carton with his butt cheeks. He was so funny.
Charles: You know who else was funny? Bill Cosby.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wow, I don't know how to deal with all these emotions, Terry. No one I've been close with has ever died before. No tragic accidents to friends. All my grandparents are alive.
Sergeant Jeffords: How did you deal when Hodor died?
Jake: Not well, Terry. Why would you bring that up?

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: Would you want to sing a song for us?
Jake: What a nice thought, but you know what, I don't have anything prepared.
Trudy Judy: Okay, well, if you don't want to sing, you could just tell us the inspiring story of how Doug saved you from being a mulch-butt ho.
[later:]
Jake: I would like to sing a song in honor of my dear friend Doug Judy.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Why is the FDNY in our cop bar?
Rob Dulubnik: We needed a new place, since our bar, O'Brien's, burned down.
Charles: You couldn't put that out?
Rosa: They probably started it. Most arsonists turn out to be firefighters.
Rob Dulubnik: That's not true, though it is very common, and definitely what happened in this case.

Quote from Charles

Rob Dulubnik: Sorry, but this is a firefighter bar now. Although we might want to make some changes to the decor. I'm thinking some old-timey pressure gauges, maybe an autographed photo of Denis Leary from "Rescue Me."
Charles: You wouldn't.
Rob Dulubnik: Wouldn't I? Check it out.
Charles: You son of a bitch.

Quote from Jake

Jake: [singing] Doug Judy I wish you were alive, Doug Judy God will give you a high five [high-pitched] Doug Judy-
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no, he gave himself a key change.
Jake: [singing] Yeah, yeah, yeah, Doug Judy You're a friend, friend, friend Doug Judy! [screeching] This song is at its end Thank you so much. [screeching]
[talking] You've been a great audience. I mean, it's a funeral. That's psychotic. I'm so sorry.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: But why did you call me? There's nothing I can do about this.
Charles: You have gravitas. Everyone listens to you.
Captain Holt: Look, even if I could save Shaw's, I'm not sure I'd want to. This place is a hovel. The only wine they serve is from the Delaware Water Gap. It's called "Charbonnay."

Quote from Amy

Hank: Look, guys, I don't want to take sides. I just want to make money.
Rosa: Then keep it a cop bar. We drink like crazy.
Amy: Yeah, 'cause of all the tragedy we experience on a daily basis, son.

Quote from Hitchcock

Rob Dulubnik: Okay, defectives. My guys can handle that.
Amy: Oh, can they? 'Cause the Nine-Nine's about to bring the real heat.
Hitchcock: Get ready for the back draft, bitch.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Doug Judy.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Doug Judy: Hey, Jake. Man, that song was moving AF. We got to lay that down. [singing] Doug Judy, he's smushing on the beach-
Jake: Don't try and duet with me, you bastard. You tricked me. Now give me a hug. I'm so happy you're alive. I'll never forgive you. You're my best friend. Whoo, I just went through a lot of emotions real fast, but I think I'm back to normal now.

Doug Judy: Oh, my God, Jake, are you saying what I think you're saying?
Jake: Yes. You have a copycat.
Doug Judy: I didn't think I'd accomplished enough in my career for this.
Jake: I know, it's big.
Doug Judy: It just feels so good to be seen, you know?

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: You look like Milli Vanilli.
Jake: Ooh! I call Vanilli.
Doug Judy: Ah, I want to be Nilli, but you got it.
Jake: He's the best one.
Doug Judy: You know it's true.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Sarge, come on. He has an alibi. Let's just team up and try and catch the copycat. A thousand push-ups. It's something Rosa and I used to say. It just means trust me. If Judy's a criminal, I'll do a thousand push-ups, and since you're so confident, if you're wrong, you can do 'em.
Sergeant Jeffords: And a thousand push-ups? That's a lot to you?
Jake: You go to hell, Terry.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: You believe me, right, Jake?
Jake: I mean, the fact pattern's not great, but Trudy did seem very nice when I met her.
Doug Judy: You trying to get your freak on with my sister?
Jake: What? No.
Doug Judy: I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Jake: I am not looking at Trudy Judy's booty.
Doug Judy: Oh, you don't think she's a cutie? Don't be snooty.
Jake: She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.
Sergeant Jeffords: And you're married.
Jake: Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: All right, there's only one thing left to do.
Charles: Drink faster.
Rosa: Set a bunch of fires throughout the city. Mine's better.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Doug, you stay with Jake. I'll go in with Trudy. I just need a cover story.
Trudy Judy: We could say that you're my boyfriend.
Doug Judy: No. No, no, no, I don't want my little sister fake-dating some pervert.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Why am I a pervert?
Doug Judy: Uh, have you ever met a nice, normal guy that wears suspenders every day? What kind of person has to tie their pants down to keep them from flying off?
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not what suspenders are for, man.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Whoo! Crampon Holt! We're losing. Yeah!
Captain Holt: Why are you dancing?
Amy: Oh, I was up to nine-drink Amy, who speaks French, and then I hurl- I hurl- Hurled.
Hitchcock: What she's trying to say is that she vomited, and now she's back down to three-drink Amy, or Amy Dance Pants.
Amy: You know it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Before we all go home and pass out, I want to say how sorry I am that I deserted you earlier. I want you to know that I care about you all so very much, each and every one of you. Boyle, Santiago, Diaz, Hitchcock, Scu- [retching]

Doug Judy: Where are you, Trudy?
Trudy Judy: In the wind, Dougie.
Doug Judy: Okay, that's a cool thing to say, but what are you doing? They were gonna reduce your charges.
Trudy Judy: Reduced charges are still charges, and I can't go to prison. There are no dudes there, and I need to smush!
Doug Judy: Trudy!
Trudy Judy: Oh, grow up, Doug. I'm an adult woman who's horny all the time.
Jake: What is going on?
Trudy Judy: Oh, are you judging me, ho?

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Man, I am gutted. This is awful. Is this how you feel every time I trick you?
Jake: Pretty much. Yeah, it always hurts.
Doug Judy: Wow, I'm sorry, man. It must be really hard to hang out with me.
Jake: Well, it's a tough relationship, but it's exciting.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Doug, I'm sorry for not trusting you. Turns out you had nothing to do with this.
Jake: Oh, so you admit people can change.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes. Bruce Banner's pants and shirt were correct.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Charles, will you relax? You're gonna love Neil.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not Neil. Why would it be Neil? It's Doug Judy.
Jake: Oh, right. Someone we all know in a police capacity.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I want to ask Doug Judy some questions. You have his number?
Jake: I always make contact through his mom. I'll put you in touch with her, but remember, she thinks I'm his assistant Mangy Carl, and he's a famous architect who's designing LeBron James' new school for black astronauts.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Hello, Mrs. Judy? I'm looking for your son, the architect. Yes, I'm from black NASA.
Jake: [whispering] Is that a thing?

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my. I didn't know. I understand. Good-bye. So Doug Judy will not be coming in.
Jake: What? Why not?
[cut to Jake and Sarge at a funeral:]
Jake: Oh, I see. He is dead.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Trudy Judy: [sobs] I'm sorry. It's just so sweet.
Sergeant Jeffords: The mulch thing?
Trudy Judy: No, how Doug saved him.

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: Doug said you have a beautiful voice.
Jake: Oh, he did? [singing] Well, I Suppose that's true.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: I'm surprised you guys even want to come here since you have to take the stairs. I know how much you like sliding on poles.
Rob Dulubnik: We don't like sliding on poles. We do it to save lives. It's dangerous. You can ask my best friend Steve. Oh, no, wait, you can't, actually, because he's dead. Tripped through a pole hole, broke his neck.
Amy: That's horrible.
[Rosa laughs]

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Why are there firefighters here? Did one of them turn out to be an arsonist and burn down their own bar?
Rosa: Actually, yes.
Captain Holt: So predictable.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look, we can find a new bar that's not beneath us. What about Bel Vino? They've got a great selection of Italian reds, and your feet don't stick to the floor if you stand in one place too long.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, are you upset? Where are you going? Are you embarrassed about your singing?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Should we get lunch?
Doug Judy: I would love a cheesesteak.
Jake: I was thinking the exact same thing, probably 'cause-
Both: The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.

Jake: Wait. The only way to catch a copycat is to team up with the original criminal.
Doug Judy: I'm back on the force! Give me a gun.

Sergeant Jeffords: There is no copycat. You did it.
Doug Judy: Not me. I'm living that straight life.
Jake: Terry refuses to believe it. He thinks people can't change.
Doug Judy: Tell that to Bruce Banner's pants and shirt.
Jake: That's what I said.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Doug Judy, you're under arrest.
Jake: What? Sarge? You are really bringing down the vibe at this funeral.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: What the hell is that?
Doug Judy: Jake got me this disguise so some criminal doesn't see me in here and tell Stefano.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, but why is Jake also wearing them?
Jake: Uh, because it looks super cool, Sarge. We look like the hot twins from "The Matrix." We are getting aggravated.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Now, Doug-
Doug Judy: You never call me Doug.
Jake: Yeah, well, you called me Jake earlier. I thought we were switching to first names.
Doug Judy: I was thinking the same exact thing! I was like, "Why not call him Jake?" We're bonding, man. 'Cause he's so official.
Jake: But it's chill now.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, Doug-
Doug Judy: Yes, Jake?
Jake: Now that we know the copycat is using your playbook, if you were still in the game which you're not, we all agree what would your next move be?
Doug Judy: It's fight night at Barclays. No sport attracts more ultra-wealthy people with super-nice cars than boxing.
Jake: Really? What about the sport of hunting man?
Doug Judy: You got me.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not a thing.
Jake: Right.

Doug Judy: Sorry, I just get so overprotective. She's such a good kid. I guarantee you, she didn't steal those cars.
Sergeant Jeffords: We caught her sitting in a Bentley with a power amplifier and a homemade override plugged into the CAN bus.
Doug Judy: Yeah, she guilty.

Trudy Judy: I can't believe you made us think you were dead.
Doug Judy: I can't believe you're out here stealing cars. That's for lowlifes.
Trudy Judy: You steal cars.
Doug Judy: And I'm a lowlife. A gorgeous, charming, super smart lowlife beloved by all.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Guys, if you weren't working together, how did she know all your signature moves?
Trudy Judy: I found some of Doug's old notebooks.
Doug Judy: Those are notes for my memoir.
Jake: Memoir? Do you have title ideas yet? I was just gonna call it "The Pontiac Bandit"...
Jake: Oh, is that it?
Doug Judy: Yeah.
Jake: Okay.

Trudy Judy: I hated stealing cars. I was gonna stop as soon as nursing school was paid off, I swear. It was a mistake.
Doug Judy: That's good enough for me. Come on, Trudy, let's go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's not really how arresting works. She's going to jail.

Trudy Judy: There's just one problem. I don't have the car. I already handed it off to a fence.
Doug Judy: Oh, Trudy Judy, you screwed me.

Quote from Charles

Charles: No! We can do this. Things seem bleak now, but the night is always darkest before the dawn. This is Shaw's. We've had weddings here, and funerals.
Shaw's is part of our family, because that is what we are. A family. And we're not just Amy and Rosa and Hitchcock and [retching] [retching continues]

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: All right, Dallas is creepy and paranoid, and he really freaked me out that last time. I don't want to go in alone.
Doug Judy: Don't worry, kid. I'll be there right next to you, as always.
Jake: Aw. Sarge, why don't you say stuff like that to me?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Guys, we don't have time to figure out what suspenders are for, all right?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Trudy Judy: You should feel these. They're like two baseball bases. Make 'em pop, daddy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Daddy's not sure this is the time.

Doug Judy: That's my baby sister you're caressing.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? How can I caress her with my pecs?
Doug Judy: Look at those things. They got thumbs.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: You left 17 voicemails. Here's one.
[phone message:]
Rosa: Holt! You got to come save us. We need a lie to get you here. Charles, what should I say?
Charles: That I got shot in the face. Ooh, and tell him to bring pizza.

Quote from Charles

Charles: So are you gonna make us give up, Clappin? Or are you here to tell us to stop?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: No, I'm here to help you win.
Rosa: What is happening? Why is this?
Captain Holt: It's something you said on one of your voicemails, after you had sung the entirety of a song called "Shake Whatcha Mama Gave Ya." You thought you had hung up, but you hadn't.

Quote from Jake

Trudy Judy: I just want to thank you guys so much for helping me. I don't deserve your kindness.
Jake: Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. We all make bad decisions when we're younger. I was once in a flash mob.
Trudy Judy: Ew.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, everyone, to your positions. On my signal. Hold. Hold. Hold. Sorry, I started holding too soon. Let's start over. Hold. Hold.

Quote from Jake

Doug Judy: Doug Judy here. Y'all see that car blow up?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, we did. Why did you do that?
Doug Judy: You think I did that? Doug Judy does not work with fire.
Jake: Yeah, he's like the Hound from "Game of Thrones."
Doug Judy: I am like the Hound. And you're my Arya.
Jake: Right?

Quote from Hitchcock

Charles: He's never gonna make it.
Hitchcock: Yes, he will. Just don't breathe. Let the liquid into your lungs.

Doug Judy: Trudy, running from the cops is a felony. That means no more nursing school.
Trudy Judy: Good. It sucked. I only went to, like, one class.
Doug Judy: What?
Trudy Judy: It was boring as hell. So then I started running Internet scams.
Then there was identity theft. I was Queen Latifah for a bit. Then Lil' Kim.
That was less believable. But then I found your old notebooks. How come you never told me how much fun car thieving is?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait, I'm confused. When did you put the bomb in the Ferrari?
Trudy Judy: I didn't do it. Dallas did. And Dallas isn't some criminal I'm afraid of. He's my employee. Say what's up, Dallas.
Dallas: Wassup?
Jake: Named after a city.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: 6,203. 6,204. I am so glad I lost this bet. I never find time for things I enjoy.
Jake: This is so unsatisfying. You're not even sweating.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's too easy. Get on my back, Jake.
Jake: No, I'm not-
Sergeant Jeffords: Get on my back, Jake!
Jake: Coming, strong man!

Submit Quotes